Thursday, September 30, 2004
October 1, 2004
President George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington DC 20500
Dear Mr. President,
You did it! A HOMERUN!
I knew You were going to hit it out of the park when You said:
“It's hard work...It's incredibly hard.”
Your thought really started to “crystalize” when You said:
“There's a lot of good people working hard.”
I thought, “My President is On Message!” Then You said:
“There's a lot of really good people working hard to do so. It's hard work...It's a -- and it's hard work. I understand how hard it is.”
Then, about the time You said:
“We're making progress. It is hard work. It is hard work to go from a tyranny to a democracy. It's hard work to go from a place where people get their hands cut off or executed to a place where people are free.”
I thought, “Well ok--maybe My President hit a triple.”
By the way, remember when Texas Governor Ann Richards said:
“George W. Bush was born on third base and thinks he hit a triple.”
What did she mean by that? Anyway, if the Flip-Flopping Frenchman were to try to tell that joke, here’s what he’d say:
“George W. Bush, through no doing of his own, holds a position in a family of extraordinary privilege and power, and was born occupying third base; whereas he continues to hold the misconception that he achieved a triple all by himself.”
That’s the difference between You and the Flip-Flopping Frenchman. Here’s how You would say it:
“Saddam Hussein now sits in a prison cell; America and the world are safer for it.”
You see? Straight and to the point! Then You’d follow up with:
“The world is better off without Saddam Hussein.”
When You said that, I knew You read my letters and took my advice! You used the crystalized thought I gave You! But then You kept saying it over and over, and I thought, “Uh, oh--I overdid it!” Maybe I should have given You a limit on how many times to say:
“The world is safer without Saddam Hussein.”
My fault. Oh well--a double is still really good.
What happened with the cameras? I thought James “The Handler” Baker had it “handled” so the cameras would only show the person speaking! When I heard FOX-News was behind the camera for the first debate, I thought everything was “handled.” So You can imagine my horror when the Flip-Flopping Frenchman was talking, and there You were on the split screen! And here’s what You were doing:
You were smowling!
A smowl is a cross between a smirk and a scowl. What were You thinking?! Don’t You remember when Al Gore sighed in his debate with You? He lost so many style points, nobody even knew what he said! And now You go and pull an “Al Gore” by “smowling” every time the Flip-Flopping Frenchman would say something like:
“Jim, the president just said something extraordinarily revealing and, frankly, very important in this debate. In answer to your question about Iraq and sending people into Iraq, he just said the enemy attacked us. Saddam Hussein didn't attack us; Osama bin Laden attacked us.”
It’s a good thing MTV wasn’t behind the cameras! They might have caught You sticking out Your tongue or Your middle finger! We can forget the “sound bytes” now. All we’re going to see will be “visual bytes,” and here’s what they’ll show:
Our President smowling!
And then You made it worse by losing Your temper and yelling:
“First, listen --of course I know Osama bin Laden attacked us. I know that!”
What?! Osama bin Laden attacked us?! I’ve been thinking all this time it was Saddam Hussein! Does this mean we caught the wrong guy?
Oh well--there’s nothing wrong with hitting a single. By the way, who is Your Favorite Baseball Player of All-Time? Mine is Maury Wills. Remember him? He was a singles hitter. You know what he’d do after he hit a single? He’d steal second! Then he’d steal third! Sometimes he’d even steal home! You see? Even if You just hit a single, You can steal lots of bases!
My favorite part was when You matched wits with the Flip-Flopping Frenchman. He said:
“When we went in, there were three countries: Great Britain, Australia and the United States. That's not a grand coalition. We can do better.”
You jumped all over him! Here’s what You said:
“Well, actually, you forgot Poland.”
GOTTCHA! The turning point of the debate! You caught him in a mistake! You caught him in a lie! The sound byte heard ‘round the world! The “Coalition of the Willing” had four countries, not three! But then he matched wits right back and said:
“Today we are 90 percent of the casualties and 90 percent of the costs.”
That’s the trouble with trying to argue with flip-floppers. No matter what you say, they come up with another answer.
Anyway, maybe You can say You didn’t hit a homerun, but You hit a sacrifice bunt. Sacrifice bunts are good. You move the runner to the next base. Also, if you’re scoring the play-by-play, it doesn’t count against you as an at-bat, even though you made an out. It’s free! Say You strike out three times and have one sacrifice bunt--how many at-bats did You have?
Three! You see? It’s like it never happened!
So I want to be the first to say: Congratulations on Your sacrifice bunt! I can’t wait til Debate II!