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Tuesday, September 28, 2004
September 29, 2004
President George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington DC 20500

Dear Mr. President,

This might be the last briefing I give You before The Most Important Debate in History. So, with the fate of civilization and the entire planet riding on this debate, I want to say one thing:

Don’t be NERVOUS!

Also, don’t mess up.

I don’t know how You can stand the tension! It would make me so NERVOUS! to go mano-a-mano with a former prosecutor who’s 5 inches taller than me and debates like Cicero and is a dynamite closer!

Also, he speaks in complete sentences. And usually those sentences say something about You being “arrogant” or “incompetent” or “fighting the wrong war at the wrong time.”

But whatever You do, don’t get NERVOUS! Have You ever had this happen?: You get so NERVOUS! that Your mind gets all fuddled and You can’t remember what to say and You hem and haw and You start sweating because You’re in such a panic because the whole world is watching and Your whole future depends on what You say next and You’re getting more and more confused and finally You think, “I’d better say something,” so You blurt out:

“Too many good OBGYN's aren't able to practice their love, with women all across this country."

You see what happens when You get NERVOUS!? Just don’t!

Also, don’t get NERVOUS! about the debate rules, even though James “The Handler” Baker totally bungled the negotiations! Do You know what he forgot? He forgot to put in a clause saying everybody in the room has to sign a Loyalty Oath to You!

That’s right! Nobody has to sign a Loyalty Oath! Not the moderator, not the cameramen, not even the Flip-Flopping Frenchman! Not even the audience! And that’s not all--did You hear half the audience will be Democrats?! It’s true!

Just between You and me, I think Baker’s lost his mind! I know You’re being nice to him because he “handled” Your election in the Supreme Court. But he’s botched this negotiation worse than when he gave WMD’s to Saddam!

What was he thinking?! Doesn’t he know that You have to have a Loyalty Oath before You make a public appearance? How does he expect You to speak if somebody disagrees?!

We’re just going to have to go back to the table. We’ll need a Loyalty Oath signed by McNeill Lehrer, the Flip-Flopping Frenchman, and every audience member before we can go on with this! And no Democrats in the audience this time! Jeez! Do we have to explain everything to Baker?!

After You get re-elected, I think You should make reporters sign a Loyalty Oath. Also foreign leaders. Make Schroder and Chirac go first. Tony Blair, too. We can’t trust him anymore. Also that North Korean guy--Kim Chong-il. Make him sign a Loyalty Oath before You’ll talk to him.

Speaking of reporters, did it make You NERVOUS! to hear what the Crawford, Texas newspaper did? They endorsed the Flip-Flopping Frenchman. It’s true! This is what the traitors from Your hometown paper, the Lone Star Iconoclast said:

“The re-election of George W. Bush would be a mandate to continue on our present course of chaos... We don’t need a part-time President who does not show up for duty as Commander-In-Chief until he is forced to, and who is in a constant state of blameless denial when things don’t get done...He let us down...”

“Kerry has a positive vision for America, plus the proven intelligence, good sense, and guts to make it happen. That’s why The Iconoclast urges Texans not to rate the candidate by his hometown or even his political party, but instead by where he intends to take the country. The Iconoclast wholeheartedly endorses John Kerry.”


The first thing You should do when You get re-elected is make everybody at the Lone Star Iconoclast sign a Loyalty Oath!

Whoops! I’m sorry! I got distracted talking about how Your hometown paper endorsed the Flip-Flopping Frenchman, and I forgot I was trying to help You relax and not get NERVOUS! before The Most Important Debate in History!

Let’s try to take Your mind off it--What’s Your favorite Broadway musical? Mine’s the King and I. It’s about the bald King of Siam (later known as Vietnam where the Flip-Flopping Frenchman who is 6’4” would win 3 Purple Hearts, Two Bronze Stars, and a Silver Star). Anyway, his girlfriend, the prim English school mistress sings a song I think You should learn before The Most Important Debate in History. Here’s how it goes:

Whenever I feel afraid,
I hold my head erect,
And whistle a happy tune,
So no one will suspect,
I’m afraid.


Got it? Sing along!

While shivering in my shoes,
I strike a careless pose,
And whistle a happy tune,
So no one ever knows,
I’m afraid.


Good! There’s nothing to be NERVOUS! about.

Make believe you’re brave,
And the truth will take you far,
You may be as brave,
As you make believe you are...


Ok--whistle now...

You may be as brave,
As you make believe you are!


You see? If You get NERVOUS!, just whistle! I’ll be watching the debate. If I see You whistling, I’ll know You got my letter in time.

All You have to remember is: Don’t be NERVOUS!

Also, don’t mess up.

Good luck!
Carl Estrada

 

 
 
 
 
 


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