Wednesday, September 22, 2004
September 23, 2004
Jimmy Swaggart Ministries
P.O. Box 262550
Baton Rouge, LA 70826-2550
Dear Brother Swaggart,
Question: What do Jimmy Swaggart and Dan Rather have in common?
Answer: They both said they were sorry this week.
Dan Rather apologized for sloppy journalism. You apologized for sloppy evangelism. Here’s what you apologized for:
“And I'm going to be blunt and plain: If (a gay man) ever looks at me like that, I'm going to kill him and tell God he died."
All the good Christians at your sermon laughed and laughed. But I guess some folks watching you on TV took it the wrong way. Here’s what else you said:
“I'm trying to find the correct name for it ... this utter absolute, asinine, idiotic stupidity of men marrying men. ... I've never seen a man in my life I wanted to marry.”
It’s probably a good thing there aren’t any men you want to marry. Your wife Frances has already been through a lot! She stood by you when you were caught in a motel with that prostitute. She stood by you when you were crying into the camera so hard, your make-up was running down your face like Tammy Faye Bakker! She stood by you when you got pulled over by a California cop with another prosititute in your car! I think if you married a man, it would be the last straw for Frances!
By the way, were those prostitutes you got caught with female? I guess they must have been. If they had been male, you would have had to kill them and tell God they died.
Anyway, I think you should lighten up, Brother Swaggart. You probably don’t have to worry much about gay men “look(ing) at you like that.” I have a friend who has a floral shop across the street from my grocery. His name is Ramone. Ramone makes floral arrangements straight from Heaven! The man is an artist! He has a gift from God!
And guess what? Ramone is gay! We were talking about you yesterday, and here’s what Ramone said:
“Why does Jimmy Swaggart think I’m going to look at his sorry ass?” (I apologize for the language. I’d never say that, but Ramone did.) “Have you seen him lately? Dude is so retro! He’s got to do something with his hair! He has that Fonzie-Does- Happy-Days thing going on, and it’s just not working for him! Also, that suit! The last time I saw someone wearing something like that was Playboy Mansion--circa 1975! And the only good thing I can say about his tie is--at least the gold in it matches his Rolex!”
You see? You don’t have to worry about gay men looking at you “like that.” I don’t worry either. If a gay man ever looked at me “like that,” you what I’d say? I’d say, “Don’t look at me like that.”
Question: Name one thing Jimmy Swaggart (that’s you) has in common with Our President Who is a Strong and Decisive Christian Leader, and one thing you don’t have in common?
Answer: You both like to talk “blunt and plain.” In common.
You apologize all the time and Our President never does. Not in common.
By the way--Do you think if a gay man looked at Our President “like that,” would He kill him and tell God he died? Just wondering.
Speaking of Our President Who is a Strong and Decisive Christian Leader, here’s something else you said:
“And I thank God that President Bush has stated we need a Constitutional amendment that states that marriage is between a man and a woman!”
Amen! Also, I think the Constitutional amendment should say “Marriage is between a man and a woman who is not his thirteen-year-old cousin.”
Remember when your cousin, Jerry Lee Lewis married his cousin, Myra Gale Brown when she was thirteen years old and eight months pregnant? If you and Myra Gale Brown are both Jerry Lee Lewis’ cousins, does that mean Myra is your sister?
Myra Gale Brown was Jerry Lee’s second wife. I heard he kept going after her. He had six in all. He believed so much in the Sanctity of Marriage, he had to keep doing it and doing it!
Do you and Jerry Lee Lewis ever play the piano together and knock out the hits at family reunions? Do you sing, “Goodness, Gracious, Great Balls of Fire!”? If you did, Ramone might even “look at you like that.” That’s his favorite song!
Praise the Lord!