Sunday, September 19, 2004
September 20, 2004
Marion “Pat” Robertson
CBN Partner Correspondence
977 Centerville Turnpike
Virginia Beach, Virginia 23463
Dear “Pat,”
First, I want to say thank you to your wonderful secretary, Alice Thompson, for her poetic letter telling me how your mission is to “see the knowledge of the Lord cover the earth as the waters cover the sea.” Give her a raise!
But I have a bone to pick with you. I’ve written you lots and lots of letters asking many theological questions, and you always seem to slough it off on your secretary. You never write me back yourself!
As much as I love corresponding with Alice, I’m starting to think you’re being rude. If you wrote to me, I wouldn’t slough it off on my secretary! I don’t have a secretary, buy I wouldn’t slough it off on my wife, Viola either.
I couldn’t slough if off on Viola because she’s busy watching kittens. Ever since Our President Who is a Strong and Decisive Christian Leader started moving ahead in the polls, Viola has been coming home every day with more and more kittens. Do you know what Viola does all day? She laughs and cries and watches kittens. You could say she has cats in her bellfry.
She also has kittens in her kitchen. She has kittens on the bed. Kittens on the table, kittens on the couch. Kittens on the curtains, kittens on the beams. Right now as I write this, I have a kitten untying my shoe, a kitten shredding my collar, and a kitten sleeping on my head.
But I want to alert you to trouble! Remember when you lost your tax exempt status for two years because the liberal aetheists accused you of playing partisan pulpit politics? Well, they’re at it again! Your Brother-in-Arms, Reverend Jerry Falwell is getting sued for exercising his First Amendment right to endorse candidates in God’s name! Here’s what he said in an email to his flock:
“For conservative people of faith, voting for principle this year means voting for the re-election of George W. Bush. The alternative, in my mind, is simply unthinkable.”
Have you heard of Pastor Ronnie Floyd? He’s really good! Not as good as you, but who is? Anyway, guess what’s happening to Pastor Ronnie? He’s getting sued too. And you’ll never guess why. Pastor Ronnie gave a sermon with a humongous picture of Our President Who is a Strong and Decisive Christian Leader in back of him and a little tiny picture of the Flip-Flopping Frenchman, and all he did was point out their differences. Also, Pastor Ronnie reminded everybody how close the election was last time and how their vote could swing the election.
But he never told them how to vote! Whether they vote for the “one candidate” (who) “publicly unashamedly confesses faith in Christ” or the guy who “argues that religious beliefs need not influence his decision as a public official,” is between them and their Maker!
Heads up, Marion! The liberal aetheists are on your trail! Remember when God told you Our President Who is a Strong and Decisive Christian Leader would beat the Flip-Flopping Frenchman “in a landslide”? Remember when you said?:
“He could make a terrible mistake and comes out of it. It doesn’t make any difference what he does, good or bad, God picks him up because he’s a man of prayer and God’s blessing him.”
I have a question: What “terrible mistake”? Don’t you know Our President Who is a Strong and Decisive Christian Leader doesn’t make “terrible mistakes”? He only makes terrible “miscalculations!”
By the way, have you joined the Presidential Prayer Team? I think you should. Here’s what they’re praying for:
That those who are not currently registered will register and vote.
That citizens will carefully examine the candidates and issues from a biblical standpoint, and will vote in accord with God's truth as revealed in His Word.
That people willing to honor God and consult with God will be elected.
The Presidential Prayer Team is having a “Virtual Rally” on October 5 to “pray for the election.” Order your Presidential Prayer Team ballcap now! I’ll give you their website if you want. Join them! Who knows? You could not only help Our President Who is a Strong and Decisive Christian Leader but it could be good exposure for The 700 Club, too! Network!
I still want to know why you changed your name from Marion to “Pat.” I once knew a girl named Roberta who joined the Hare Krishnas and changed her name to Lakshmi. Was it something like that?
Sincerely,
Carl Estrada