Anti Donald Trump political humor and political satire by Paul Chasman

Thursday, September 16, 2004
September 17, 2004
President George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington DC 20500

Dear Mr. President,

I can’t tell you how thrilled I was to receive Your warm and personal letter! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

I was wondering why it was taking You so long to get back to me, but now I get it. Screening procedures!

I’m so relieved to make it through the screening! You know how relieved You feel when You go through the airport metal detector and You don’t set anything off? You pick up Your keys and Your wallet and Your coat and Your belt on the other side, put Your shoes back on and say, “I’m in!” That’s how I feel right now!

I remember in the old days, presidents would say:

Dear Mr. Estrada,

Due to the heavy volume of mail we receive, we are not able to answer every letter individually. We do appreciate the time you have taken to express your opinion and it has been noted.

Remember that? But in this new world, presidents don’t talk about “heavy volume of mail” anymore, they talk about “screening procedures.” Also, I like that You call me Carl now instead of Mr. Estrada. It’s more personal. You can make up a nickname for me if You want. I know You like to do that.

Here’s a suggestion: Pen Pal.

You can make up Your own if you want. Pen Pal is just an idea.

Anyway, You thanked me for my “kind words of support.” I have a question: Which words were those?

The reason I ask is, I’ve written you lots and lots of letters. I’ve written You more than 40 letters just this year! So I wonder if You were talking about “kind words of support” in a certain letter or “kind words of support” in a general sense? I see Your letter is dated September 10, so I guess You must be talking about “kind words of support” I gave you before that date.

Maybe You’re talking about the “kind words of support” I gave You on September 3 when I told you about my wife, Viola who went to jail for demonstrating at the Republican Convention.

Maybe You’re talking about the “kind words of support” I gave You on August 27 when I talked about what a “big tent” the Republicans are! I also suggested You bring up on stage Your own “Brothers-in-Arms”: Jeb Bush, Neil Bush, and Marvin Bush! (You didn’t take my advice, but You got an eleven point bounce, anyway. Now You’ve bounced right back down to even again. It’s a good thing You got that bounce or, with the way You’ve dipped this week, You’d be eleven points behind!)

I wrote You two letters on August 24 and 25, where I told You a whole bunch of new words I made up to describe things You do. They were words like smurkle, which is a cross between a smirk and a chuckle, and blacho, which is when you bluff in a macho way. Were you talking about those “kind words of support?”

On August 13, I wrote You a list of 20 Questions that I didn’t get to ask You when You were on Larry King because You weren’t taking any questions. Speaking of questions, I have new one:

Remember when You got the intelligence report that said, “Al-Qaeda Determined to Attack United States,” and You went to Crawford to clear brush?

Remember when You heard two airplanes had crashed into the Twin Towers and You sat for seven minutes in the schoolroom reading “The Pet Goat?”

Remember in July, when You got the intelligence report that said the three scenarios in Iraq are: Bad, Worse, or Worst, and You kept blachoing, “This country is headed toward democracy,” and “Freedom is on the march!”? Does this show:

a) Your optimistic and sunny nature
b) You’re a Strong and Decisive Leader
c) You are the best candidate to make America SAFE! from TERROR!
d) All of the above

Anyway, You can count on my “kind words of support” all the way to elections! I hope now that I’ve made it through screening, You’ll write me back sooner next time!

Sincerely,
Carl “Pen Pal” Estrada