Tuesday, September 14, 2004
September 15, 2004
President George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington DC 20500
Dear Mr. President,
Who cares about history?! Water under the bridge!
Remember when You told Bob Woodward You didn’t care how history judged You because by the time it did, we’d all be dead? Well, guess what? The Demos are jumping the gun! They’re digging up history while we’re still alive! They’re reminding us that You were a pot-smokin’, coke-snortin’, liquor drinkin’ Neanderthal who used his daddy’s influence to get into the “champagne unit” of the National Guard and then went AWOL!
Who cares?! That’s history! Don’t they know history doesn’t matter anymore?!
(By the way, a Neanderthal was an early form of cave man. That doesn’t matter because it’s history. It’s also science. Science doesn’t matter anymore, either.)
I think people worry too much about history. Stop dwelling on the past! If we had thought about history, we wouldn’t have invaded Iraq, and then where would we be?! We wouldn’t be SAFE! from TERROR! and Iraq wouldn’t be the free country it is today!
Here’s the only history we need to know: The Flip-Flopping Frenchman was a coward in Vietnam and he was only there so he could get a bunch of medals and run for president someday!
Also, it’s his fault we lost the war. If he hadn’t come home and said Vietnam was a mistake, we would have won!
People are tired of all this Vietnam history! Call up your Swift Boat Veterans for Truth friends and tell them to pull their ads! I have a better idea anyway. Run an ad that starts with a Swift Boat Vet saying:
“I never saw John Kerry in Vietnam.”
Then, with scary music playing in the background, have a narrator say:
(Ominously:) “Lots of Vietnam veterans are saying they never saw John Kerry in Vietnam.” (Skeptically:) “Was he really there?” (Trying to keep from mocking:) We think John Kerry has some explaining to do.
“John Kerry, level with us. Where were you really when you claim you were in Vietnam?”
That’ll buy you a couple weeks when the Flip-Flopping Frenchman will be scrambling around, trotting out people to say they did see him in Vietnam. Then people will forget that nobody saw You in Vietnam! They’ll forget Your “lost weekend” between May 1972 and October 1973 when nobody saw You anywhere!
Some vets never saw John Kerry in Vietnam. NEWS!
George W. Bush was a pot smokin’, coke snortin’, liquor drinkin’ Neaderthal who was AWOL from the National Guard for more than a year. HISTORY!
By the time the Flip-Flopping Frenchman gets the story off page 1, you’ll be so far ahead in the polls, we might not even need those electronic voting machines!
I just wish the Dan Rathers of the world would stop digging up history about how You went AWOL and disobeyed direct orders and missed Your physical and had Your flyer’s license taken away and used Your family influence to “sugar coat” the whole thing!
That was then--this is now! The point is this: Now--You’re a Strong, Decisive Leader and the Only One who can make us SAFE! and win the war on TERROR! by sending National Guard units to free Iraq!
By the way, thanks for looking the other way while the ban on assault weapons expired. Now I can exercise my Constitutional right to buy an AK-47 and be SAFE! from TERROR! I think I’ll buy one for my grandson Lester, too. I want to take him duck hunting and he’s a really bad shot. He’s bound to hit something with an AK-47.
We’re Makin’ Progress and Makin’ History!