Anti Donald Trump political humor and political satire by Paul Chasman

Monday, September 06, 2004
September 6, 2004
James Baker
The Baker Group
1700 Rio Grande Street
Suite 120
Austin, TX 78701

Dear Mr. James “Velvet Hammer” Baker,

I know you hate being called a “handler,” but here you go again-- “handling” Our President’s debate negotiations with the Flip-Flopping Frenchman. So, I want to be the first to say: Welcome Aboard!

Don’t feel bad that everybody calls you a “handler.” I know you were reaching for higher things like being president yourself, but sometimes God has a different plan.

What’s your Favorite Broadway Musical of All-Time? Mine’s West Side Story. Remember Leonard Bernstein? He wrote the music. He wanted to be a great composer like Beethoven, but he never could because he was too busy being a conductor and writing Broadway musicals and schmoozing. Sometimes you have to settle for your lot in life. Leonard Bernstein had to settle for being a great conductor and a great Broadway music maker and a great schmoozer. You have to settle for being a great “handler.”

And you are!

Remember when you “handled” the Supreme Court so they would elect Our President? Remember how Gore was a sore loser just because thousands of his Florida votes didn’t get counted? You said his tantrum was a "danger to democracy," and that he should give up for "the good of the country?" Good handling!

Remember when you “handled” Reagan’s debate preparations with the briefing book that was stolen from the Carter campaign? Good handling!

Remember when you were Treasury Secretary and the S & L crisis hit? Here’s what you did: Nothing. A good “handler” knows that sometimes the best way to “handle” is to let things “handle” themselves. Good handling!

Remember when you were Secretary of State for Bush “41,” and you “handled” Iraq’s clearance to buy advanced military technology and biological and chemical weapons? Good handling!

Anyway, everybody says this is the most important election in our lifetime. That means the debate negotiations might be the most important thing you’ve ever “handled.” This could be the capper to your “handling” career!

I have a few ideas which, if you use them, will help you “handle” the debates to Our President’s advantage. Ready? Here they are:

Stage Setting:

First impressions are everything! Our President should be standing on a minimum 6 inch riser, in order to negate the Flip-Flopping Frenchman’s overbearing presence. Also, the Flip-Flopping Frenchman should be sitting, preferably on a low, children’s chair.

The riser Our President stands on should be behind a podium with a presidential seal on it. In back of Him should be a humongus American flag. Be sure to put the Flip-Flopping Frenchman far enough in the corner so he is at no time seen with the flag at his back.

Debate Topics:

I know there are lots of questions about how many debates there should be. The Flip-Flopping Frenchman wants to debate every week! Our President doesn’t want to debate at all. Compromise! Three debates will be fine, as long as we keep them to the following subjects:

Debate #1: Was the Flip-Flopping Frenchman Really a War Hero, or Did He Fake the Whole Thing?

Debate #2: Was The Flip-Flopping Frenchman’s Senate Testimony about Vietnam an Act of Treason?

Debate #3: Is the Flip-Flopping Frenchman Unfit for Command?

I think if we debate those subjects, we might be able to level the playing field. But just to be sure, we need to “handle” the rules.

Debate Structure:

The main thing is, we can’t have people asking Our President questions. We can’t risk a *squink, or even worse, a **blump. Here’s how we should set it up: The moderator asks the Flip-Flopping Frenchman a question. He’s given 15 seconds to answer. Then Our President is allowed to ask a follow-up question, followed by another 15 second answer from the Flip-Flopping Frenchman. Which brings us to:

Debate Moderator:

This is really important! We can’t have a loose cannon like Jim Lehrer this time! We need moderators who are “Fair and Balanced.” I recommend:

Debate #1: Sean Hannity

Debate #2: Brit Hume

Debate #3: Bill O’Reilly

If you follow my suggestions, I’m sure we’ll have a lively exchange of ideas. Be flexible! Don’t demand to have Rush Limbaugh for a moderator! Give a little! If they don’t want to debate: Is the Flip-Flopping Frenchman Unfit for Command, no problem. We can change the topic to: When Did the Flip-Flopping Frenchman Stop Beating His Wife? Let the other side feel like they’re getting something too!

Anyway, I’m glad to know Our President’s debate negotiations are being “handled” by the “Velvet Hammer.” When you’re done “handling,” always remember to wash your hands!

Sincerely,
Carl Estrada

*squink--When Our President squints and thinks at the same time.

**blump--A blank look Our President gets when He’s stumped.

Back