Saturday, September 04, 2004
September 5, 2004
Marjory G. Ross
President and Publisher
Regnery Publishing, Inc.
A Division of Eagle Publishing
One Massachusetts Ave., N.W.
Washington, D.C. 20001
Dear Ms. Ross,
Have I got a great publishing proposal for you!
My friends are always telling me I’m such a good writer, I should write a novel. So I did! I want to give you first shot at it because I’ll be perfect for Regnery, and Regnery will be perfect for me! Put me on your roster with:
Unfit for Command—the book John Kerry doesn’t want you to read—uncovers the truth about Kerry’s fraudulent “military career.”
Unholy Alliance--Bestselling author David Horowitz blows the lid off the American Left, its dangerous link with radical Islam, and its influence on America media and higher education.
Inside the Asylum--If John Kerry and Hillary Clinton have their way, Kofi Annan and Jacques Chirac will gain veto power over American foreign policy.
My novel is called:
Catastrophic Success--A riches to rags story of one man’s quest to remake the world in his image.
I should admit one thing: My friends think my story is unbelievable. Don’t worry--I’ll compromise. First an artist needs free rein! Go for big ideas! Raise the stakes! You can always tone it down later. Ready? Here’s my summary:
Catastrophic Success begins with an American President named Smurkle. President Smurkle promises “No NewTaxes,” and guess what? He raises taxes. He bombs the bejesus out of an oil-rich country, but lets their Evil Dictator go free. And guess what? He loses his re-election.
President Smurkle has a dim, ne’er-do-well son named Smurkle II, a hyper boy who blows up rats with firecrackers and can’t sit still. Later he specializes in cocaine and DUI’s, and has a lost weekend that lasts fifteen years.
President Smurkle tries to help Smurkle II get a start in life. He sends him leapfrogging over students waiting to get into an Ivy League school, where his responsibilities are keeping the kegs full and burning initiates with a hot poker.
Then President Smurkle helps his son leapfrog over 500 boys waiting to get into the Air National Guard, insuring that Smurkle II will never be sent to war. Smurkle II’s main responsibility is keeping the kegs full. Faced with a drug test, he disappears for a year. When he re-emerges, dad pulls strings so Smurkle II can get discharged eight months early.
Smurkle enters the business world. He flushes several oil companies down the toilet, losing gazillions of dollars of his father’s friends’ money. Undaunted, they put up more money so he can run for Governor of Texas. Guess what? He wins!
As Texas Governor, he sets the All-Time Record for most prisoners put to death. He flushes the Texas economy down the toilet. He gives big tax breaks to his rich friends so they can become even richer. The poor lose all the diddley in their squat--now they only have squat.
Also, guess where Governor Smurkle flushes the environment? Down the toilet. Power plants pump so much waste into the rivers, you can set them on fire! Sales of air filtering masks soar! So do cancer rates.
Oh, I forgot--somewhere in there, Smurkle II gets religion. All in one day! He quits his rough and rowdy ways, and gives his life to Jesus! That’s when he decides if Jesus is good for him, Jesus is good for the country!
But Smurkle II wants to go to the Big Show! He runs for president! Bad news: He loses. Good news: His brother is Governor of Florida and manages to rig the votes. Good news: Smurkle II’s cousin works for a right-wing news station so, before the votes are counted, he announces on TV that Smurkle II has won! Bad news: The opponents are bad sports and take it all the way to the Supreme Court. Bad news: Two of the Supreme Court members have conflicts of interest and should recuse themselves. Good news: They don’t! They stay and decide Smurkle II will be the first U.S. President in history who can’t spell his name!
President Smurkle II wastes no time flushing the country down the same toilet he’s flushed Texas down. He flushes the economy down the toilet. He flushes the
environment down the toilet. Then disaster!
America is attacked by terrorists! President Smurkle II has been warned by the experts, but he’s Asleep-at-the-Switch! He tries to catch the terrorist leader, but it’s just too hard. So he bombs the wrong country!
(Author’s note: Isn’t this a great story so far? No sex, but I could work some in if you want. I can write about President Presley--Smurkle II blames him for everything! Anyway, from here on, I admit I have some work to do. My friends say this next part is totally unbelievable.)
Name anything that could possibly be bungled in a war, and Smirkle II bungles it. And guess what? The more Smurkle II bungles, the more Americans love him! He’s just like them!
Along comes Lieutenant Doorite to challenge Smurkle II for his job. Lieutenant Doorite is a decorated, bonafide war hero. Smurkle II hires a bunch of stooges to say Doorite faked the whole thing and isn’t a hero after all. After 3 weeks of front page news, the stooges are exposed as liars who are on the Republican dole. One of them turns out to be a lobbyist for a defense contractor who received a 40 million dollar contract to help Smurkle II with his bungled war.
Vice-President Hal Burton states Lieutenant Doorite is “unfit” to be president. Vice-President Burton has a couple DUI’s, just like Smurkle II, and five military deferments. (If you want more sex, I can write about how Burton got his wife pregnant just in time for his fifth deferment.)
And guess who everybody believes? They believe the lying stooges and the AWOL Smurkle and the VP with two DUI’s and the five deferments! Go figure! (I know it doesn’t work, but I’m an artist! I follow my muse!)
Anyway, I work in other stuff too--like how Smurkle II wants to rewrite the Constitution. Lieutenant Doorite has read the Constitution and thinks it works pretty well as it is. Also, Smurkle II never meets a scientist he likes, unless they work for an oil company. Or maybe a Christian Scientist. He likes some of them.
I write about how Smurkle II flushes President Presley’s budget surplus down the toilet and comes up with a half-trillion dollar deficit. He buys everybody off for $300 and tells them Democrat Doorite’s plan is “fiscally irresponsible.”
Also, Smurkle II convinces everybody that Lieutenant Doorite is “indecisive” because he understands things and speaks in complete sentences.
Also, Smurkle II convinces everybody that the world is a DANGEROUS PLACE! DANGEROUS PLACE! DANGEROUS PLACE! and even though he was AWOL and DUI and he’s bungled everything he’s ever done in his life, he’s much more “fit” to be president than Lieutenant Doorite because he’s a STRONG, STEADY LEADER who will keep America SAFE! SAFE! SAFE!
Don’t ask me how I think of all this stuff. It just comes to me. I haven’t figured out an ending yet. I hope I can make it realistic.
How much of an advance do I get?