Friday, August 27, 2004
August 28, 2004
FOX News Channel
1211 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY 10036
Dear Mr. Hume,
Have I got a scoop for you!
Here it is: There’s a rumor going around that the reason Our President was AWOL from the National Guard was because He took an unauthorized flight to Vietnam where He saved Kowardly Kerry and his crew by singlehandedly fighting off hordes of Viet Cong while the Flip-Flopper was cowering in the jungle. Our President was finally overpowered and taken to a POW camp where He was subjected to frat house pranks for almost a year before they finally released Him because He was such a good sport.
It’s true! There really is a rumor going around about that! If you don’t believe me, ask Mr. Swift Boat Veteran himself: Larry Thurlow. Last week I wrote him a letter telling him the story in much more detail. Follow up! Ask him for my letter! Also, I have an unidentified reliable source. You know how that works. Walter Cronkite, Woodward and Bernstein, Bob Novak--that’s how all the great journalists operate!
Do the math! There’s Larry Thurlow and me and you and my unidentified source--that’s four! Four is a legitimate number of sources for a bonafide rumor! You’d better act fast before you get “scooped” by the liberal media! Here’s your lead story for the next two weeks:
“Good evening. Our FAIR AND BALANCED news team has uncovered shocking evidence of a rumor that is spreading around the country like locusts in a drought. It has been verified by several sources that a rumor is being spread that at the time George W. Bush was thought to be AWOL, he was actually saving Kowardly Kerry’s life in the Mai Cong Delta!”
You can have hour-long shows speculating on the rumor! You can show simulated re-enactments! You can have panels argue that even if the rumor turns out to be “exaggerated,” it shows the “perception problem” that Kowardly Kerry has when his flip-flops are contrasted by the Strong Leadership of George W. Bush!
After a couple weeks, the liberal New York Times and the liberal Washington Post will probably come out with a story showing that Our President wasn’t even in the National Guard at the same time as Kowardly Kerry was in Vietnam, but you will sleep well at night, knowing if the rumor is out there, it’s the public’s right to know!
Speaking of rumors, did you hear there’s a rumor Elvis is still alive? It’s true. I own a little neighborhood grocery store, and we sell the National Enquirer. It sells like hotcakes! Actually, it sells better than hotcakes. Lots of people can’t afford hotcakes anymore, but everybody can afford the National Enquirer!
Anyway, this week’s National Enquirer has an article saying that Elvis really isn’t dead after all. He had a double, and that’s who died. They have a picture of him now, and I’ve got to admit, it’s pretty convincing. He’s still fat--but everybody’s fat these days, so who cares? He’s still got that full head of hair with a can of Brycreem in it, but it’s turning gray now. First I thought since the Elvis story is in the news, you should report it. But then I got to thinking--it wouldn’t help Our President, so what’s the point?
By the way, I’ve been thinking about how FOX always says it’s FAIR AND BALANCED. I don’t think you guys give yourselves enough credit. I think you’re better than “FAIR.” Fair is like a “C” student. I think you’re at least a B- or a B. I’d give you a B+ or an A if you’d get rid of that liberal what’s-his-name who’s always getting beat up by Hannity. Colmes! Get rid of Colmes. He couldn’t argue his way out of a parking ticket! Get rid of Greta van Sustern, too. I haven’t like her since she was doing the 24-hour O.J. Simpson show.
Maybe you should think of a different word than “BALANCED.” Balanced always reminds me of my brother-in-law when he comes home drunk. He wobbles and trips a lot, but somehow he always manages to stay on his feet. My wife, Viola says, “Sam may be a drunk, but he sure has good balance!”
Be bold! Change your slogan! Here’s what you should say:
FOX! FOR THE COMPLETE SPECTRUM OF NEWS:
REPUBLICAN, CONSERVATIVE, AND RIGHT-WING!
I will look forward to seeing your report on the legitimate rumor that George W. Bush went AWOL to save the Kowardly Kerry. The other networks will be so jealous! They’ll jump on the story faster than Rush Limbaugh on a Big Mac! And pretty soon, it won’t be a rumor anymore--it’ll be news!
Keep up the good work!