Thursday, August 26, 2004
August 27, 2004
President George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20500
Dear Mr. President,
It’s a Big Tent!
At the last Republican Convention, the hall was filled with African-Americans and Asians and Jews and Latinos. “Habla Espanol at el Republicano Conventiono!”
I thought You missed a trick when You didn’t have everybody get up on stage at the end and sing, “It’s a Small World After All.” When the race is so tight, every little bit helps. Who knows? It might have tipped just enough voters so You could have won the popular majority and the Supreme Court majority!
This year we’re going to have a whole bunch of new campers under our Big Tent:
Rudy Giuliani: Pro-Choice! Welcome aboard, Rudy!
Arnold Schwarzenegger: Pro-Groping! Welcome aboard, Arnold!
John McCain: Professional Loose Cannon! Welcome aboard, John!
Dick Cheney: Pro-Gay! Welcome aboard, Dick!
Lynne Cheney: Pornographer! Welcome aboard, Lynne!
Did You know Lynne Cheney is a pornographer? It’s true! Ask Your wife (Laura) if she’s read Lynne’s book, “Sisters.” Here’s the kind of thing she says:
He kissed her, forced her lips open with his mouth. She could taste the whiskey he had been drinking, feel his whiskers and the scab on his face. A wave of revulsion swept over her, and she pushed him away. As he fell back, the white bulldog moved toward her, his growl becoming louder.
"Ah, feisty, ain't she, Luper?" Wilson stroked the dog. "Well, sometimes that kind's the most fun."
Whew! Give me a minute to catch my breath. Ok...
Anyway, I never heard of trying to fit a log cabin into a tent before, but if anybody can do it, it’s You! Dick Cheney is leading a revolt of all those “Log Cabin Republicans” who say Abraham Lincoln would never have passed a Constitutional Amendment banning gay marriage. How do they know? If he had lived for his second term, maybe he would have.
I think Dick Cheney is getting power mad! He’s never crossed You before. He’s always given You good advice, and You’ve always taken it. Why, a week before the convention, would he spring the bombshell that his daughter is gay and he thinks she should be allowed to get married if she can find a state that will let her?
I think you need to nip this in the bud! Replace Cheney with McCain! No, no--that was impulsive. You’re going to need McCain to replace Rumsfeld. I guess it’s too late to get rid of Cheney. The best thing You can do at this point is to take Cheney into the log cabin and tell him to stop being so “sensitive,” and then say to him, “Go f*** yourself!”
But keep a close eye on him.
Who are you going to have on stage with you? The Flip-Flopping Frenchman had his Brothers-in-Arms who were on the Swift Boat with him and lied about the everything he did. I think You should one-up him and have Your Brothers-in-Arms backing You up: Jeb Bush, Neil Bush, and Marvin Bush!
Jeb Bush-The hero behind the Florida election! What would we have done without him?
Brother-in-Arms Jeb Bush! Come on down!
Neil Bush-Gets paid over $2 million dollars to be on the board of a Shanghai-based semi-conductor outfit. Here’s what Neil Bush knows about semi-conductors: Nothing! How does he do it? He gets $60,000 a year to provide “miscellaneous consulting services” to Crest Investment in Texas! Plus--when his wife divorced him, it came out that his Asian partners sent lots of prostitutes to his room to help him unwind after long hours of working on semi-conductors.
Brother-in-Arms Neil Bush, it’s a Big Tent! Come on down!
Marvin Bush-recently resigned “for personal reasons” from the board of Fresh Del Monte Produce after former investors filed a $60-million lawsuit accusing majority shareholders and Palestinian chairman Mohammad Abu-Ghazaleh of paying bribes to buy the company in 1996 at a "ridiculously low price." The good news is Fresh Del Monte isn’t doing business in Florida anymore. They’re based in the Cayman Islands but they operate from headquarters in Coral Gables. (?)
Brother-in-Arms Marvin Bush, there’s room for you too! Come on down!
Anyway, it’s going to be a the Greatest Republican Convention of All-Time! I can hardly wait! Don’t worry about Your Christian base. They know they’re loved, even if they weren’t invited to the party. I’ve been in touch with Marion “Pat” Robertson and Jerry Falwell and Franklin Graham, and I think I’ve convinced them to start a Fundamentalists for the Flip-Flopping Frenchman campaign. The purpose is to sucker the Demos into voting for You! I think it’ll work!
Do You think there will be room in the Big Tent for the 250,000 demonstrators? I think they should sign a loyalty oath before you let them in. In fact, make everybody sign a loyalty oath! No exceptions! Arnold, Rudy, Cheney, McCain--everybody! Especially McCain! In fact, You’d better tape delay his speech, just in case.
Anyway, I’m glad to know the Republicans have such a Big Tent and anybody is welcome to be in the party as long as they vote for You! I think this year, the theme song should be: “We Are the World!”
Can you imagine everybody--Arnold, Rudy, Cheney, McCain, Tom Brokaw, Wolf Blitzer, Bill O’Reilly--everybody!--up on stage with You, standing in front of a humongus American flag, holding hands, smiling, crying, singing, “We Are the World...?” I have a lump in my throat!
Get Michael Jackson to lead it. He owns that song! Also, get Janet Jackson and Germaine. More Brothers-and-Sisters-in-Arms theme, and also they could be a symbol of families who have their spats coming together and healing.
Be sure to have Janet Jackson show her left breast this time! We already saw her right one at the Super Bowl.
67 Days til Elections! (But who’s counting?)