Tuesday, August 24, 2004
August 25, 2004
President George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, DC 20500
Dear Mr. President,
Good news! I thought of some more new words for you!
Ready for today’s vocabulary lesson? Let’s say you’re *string-stronging across the White House lawn and a reporter yells at you: “Mr. President, now that your chief campaign counsel, Benjamin Ginsberg has been forced to resign because he gave legal advice to Swift Boat Veterans for Truth, how do you answer John Kerry’s charge that the White House is participating in an illegal campaign of smears and lies?”
Here’s what you do: Blacho!
Blacho is a cross between “bluff” and “macho.” Anybody who ever plays poker knows that sometimes, if you’re not holding any cards, you have to bluff. You’re the blacho master! I can always tell when you’re blachoing because you lean with your arms on the podium and your voice gets louder and your Texas accent gets thicker.
So when you answer that reporter’s question, just blacho and say:
“I think we oughtta be debating who best to be leading this country in the war against terror.”
If you don’t have a podium to lean on because you’re string-stronging, you can do a stiff-armed wave. But don’t forget--for a full blacho, lay on the Texas! Sometimes after a blacho, you can **smurkle.
QUESTION: Name the lead attorney who went to the Supreme Court and helped you get elected. (Hint: Think of the lawyer who resigned today because he gave advice to the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth.)
ANSWER: Benjamin Ginsberg!
Blumped. Blumped is when you get a blank look on your face because you’re stumped. Not to be confused with a ***squink. A squink happens when you say something and you get tripped up. When you’re blumped, it’s more like a deer that’s frozen in the headlights. Like the time you couldn’t think of any mistakes you had ever made. Or the time you said, “Aboo... gay... uhh... gru... uhh... gay-rub.” Usually when you’re blumped, it’s followed by a squink. Once you get through your squink, we can all breathe easy again and then you can smurkle.
Speaking of Abu Ghraib, what did you think of the investigation panel’s report? I think it’s obimple that Rumsfeld had nothing to do with it. It’s not his fault that everybody was confused about what kinds of interrogation techniques to use! When General Miller was sent in from Guantanamo Bay to use “Gitmo techniques” and when Rumsfeld told everybody to “take the gloves off,” it should have been obvious what was expected! And how could Rumsfeld have predicted “the intensity of the post-invasion insurgency...”? He’s not a psychic! Maybe he didn’t send reinforcements to Abu Graib because he thought one guard for every 75 prisoners was enough. It was a judgment call!
It’s so obimple! Obimple is when you explain things that are so “obvious” and “simple,” it’s amazing any idiot can’t get it. Before you say something obimple, always say, “See..., ” then smile like you’re explaining something to a five-year-old, raise the pitch in your voice as you head into the last few syllables, and then lower it again. Like this:
“See...it’s so obimple that Abu Ghraib was caused by a few bad ap-ples.”
Did you raise your pitch on obimple and few bad ap? Good. Here’s another one. Try making boxes in the air with your hands this time:
“See...it’s so obimple that Saddam Hussein is a bad man, and the world is safer without him.
Now you’ve got it! Don’t forget to make it sound like you can’t believe you have to explain it. One more, just for practice:
“See...it’s so obimple! I want to make the world safe. My opponent doesn’t.
Five Days Til the Convention! Make the Demonstrators Sign a Loyalty Oath!
*If you’re reading this, I guess you forgot. In my letter yesterday, I told you that string-strong is like a strutting King Kong.
**Smurkle--a cross between a smirk and a chuckle.
***Squink--when you squint and think at the same time.