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Monday, August 23, 2004
August 24, 2004
George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, DC 20500

Dear Mr. President,

As You know by now, I cherish You more than life itself! And do You know what one of my favorite things about You is?

Your sense of humor!

That’s something most people don’t get. If they could see how playful and funny You like to be, even the 50 per cent who think You’re crashing the plane would give You a second look.

I made up a new word. Someday it’ll be in the dictionary, and all because of You! It’s a hybrid word. Hybrids are catching on! Anyway, You know when You do that little smirk because You just answered a question and You’re proud of Yourself because You didn’t mess up? And You know how when You smirk, Your head bobs up and down and Your whole body kind of bounces because you’re chuckling to Yourself?

That’s a cross between a smirk and a chuckle. I call that a “smurkle.”

For instance, when a reporter asks, “Mr. President, in light of the fact that every member of Swift Boat Veterans for Truth has been proven to be a bald-faced liar, and it has been shown that the organization has been funded by the same Texas billionaire who has funded You for years, are You now prepared to denounce the ads?”

You say: “My opponent served admirably, and he ought to be proud of his record." Then you smurkle.

Here’s another word--well, it’s actually two. You know that little strut You do when You walk out to a press conference or when You get off Air Force One or when You’re meeting some European leader? It’s like there’s this iron rod that stretches from the top of Your head to Your tailbone, and another one that goes from one shoulder to the other shoulder. My wife Viola thinks You need a massage. Anyway, there’s another thing You do that I like a lot. You walk with Your arms dangling with the backs of your hands forward--kind of like King Kong. So I put “strut” and “King Kong” together, and guess what I got?

“String-strong!”

Here’s an example:

Wolf Blitzer: Our President is planning His first press conference in six months today. He is under enormous pressure due to the chaos reigning in Iraq; the nagging questions about His honesty and competence in His handling of the war; the economy is in a shambles; employment has not gotten the bounce He predicted; and now we have new questions about how a national guardsman who went AWOL for a year can get away with attacking His opponent’s documented war record through a bunch of lying surrogates who were paid off by the Republican party. (Breathlessly...Worshipfully...) And here He is! The President of the United States is string-stronging to the podium!”

Here’s another word I made up. You know that squint You do? It’s kind of like Clint Eastwood in those Spaghetti Westerns where he’d throw a grimy sarape over his shoulder and stick a chewed off stogie in the side of his mouth, and he’d say, “If there’s gonna be any shootin’, I gotta get my rest.” But it’s also a confused squint like when the teacher asks, “Johnny, what’s 2 + 2?” And Johnny squints and rummages through his brain, and thinks and squints and rummages, but he just can’t find the answer.

A cross between a “squint” and a “think” is a “squink.”

You squink either when You’re asked a question You don’t know the answer to, or when You’re not sure what You just said. Like when You say, “Our enemies never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.”

Squink.

So now, when You hold your next press conference, You can string-strong up to the podium and brief the press on their new travel arrangements. Tell them about Primaris. (Smurkle.) That’s the new company you hired to fly them around with you. They only have one airplane, and it’s fifteen years old and was damaged in a hail storm. Their pilot has had his license revoked twice for flying an “unairworthy” craft.

Smurkle. “First question...Britt?”

Britt Hume: “Mr. President, how do you answer the Flip-Flopping Frenchman’s absurdly ridiculous and unfounded accusations that your offices have coordinated illegally with special interests, also known as 527’s, to engage in a cynical and vicious campaign of ‘smears’ and ‘lies?’ ”

You: (Squink.) I don't think we ought to have 527s. I can't be more plain about it. Uhhh...(squink) I hope my opponent joins me in uhhh...(squink) condemning these activities of the 527s. They're bad for the system." (Smurkle.)

“That’ll be all the questions at this time.” (Smurkle.)

Then, with Cheney and Rumsfeld and Condi one respectful step behind You, You string-strong back to your ranch so You’ll be sure not to miss any of the Olympics.

One week til the convention! I can hardly wait.

Carl Estrada

 

 
 
 
 
 


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