Wednesday, August 18, 2004
Jeb Bush, Governor
Executive Office of the Governor
400 S. Monroe Street
Tallahassee, Florida 32399-0001
Dear Governor Bush,
I just wanted to check and make sure you’re ok after Hurricane Charlie. Did you get out of the way?
I wonder if you could settle an argument? It’s between me and my wife, Viola. She says that even after we’ve had Hurricane Zachary, Our President (your Brother-in-Arms) still won’t admit there’s global warming. I say, why should He? Just because we have lots of hurricanes now, that doesn’t mean it’s hot. Ok--it’s 93 in Punta Gorda--but what do you expect? It’s summer! I agree with Our President that we need to wait at least another five years til He’s done being Our President and for the Sound Scientists at ExxonMobile to report back to us. Needs more study!
You be the tie-breaker--who’s right?
Did Hurricane Charlie wipe out more Democrats or Republicans? I’m not saying I want a hurricane to wipe out anybody, but still--we have to be practical. Florida’s a swing state. What are the numbers?
Speaking of swing state, I hear the Florida Department of Law Enforcement has been fanning out in Orlando and going to elderly black people’s homes to interview them about the election. They’re on a fact-finding mission to investigate “allegations of voter fraud.” It sounds like the investigation is going to take a lot of time--they’re saying they might have to interview people clear up til the election!
Don’t let up! We have to get to the bottom of this! And the only way is to root out those subversives in the Orlando League of Voters who do things like register people to vote and drive people to the polls and help with absentee ballots! Do you know who most of the people in the Voters League are? Elderly black women! Do you know who most elderly black women will vote for if they get their chance? I’ll give you a hint: It’s not your Brother-in-Arms. Here’s another hint: It’s not Pat Buchanan. It’s not Ralph Nader this time, either.
Keep up the pressure! It’s working! Ezzie Thompson, the President of the Orlando League of Voters, is running scared! He’s hired an ambulance chaser named Joseph Egan to represent him. Here’s what the ambulance chaser said:
“One woman asked me, ‘Am I going to go to jail now because I voted by absentee ballot?' People who have voted by absentee ballot for years are refusing to allow campaign workers to come to their homes. And volunteers who have participated for years in assisting people, particularly the elderly or handicapped, are scared and don't want to risk a criminal investigation."
Here’s the good news--America’s Greatest Ambulance Chaser, John Edwards is not in play! The Flip-Flopping Frenchman chose him to be his running mate. That means he won’t have time to represent Ezzie Thompson! While your attorneys are playing Joseph Egan like a fiddle, the Ambulance Chaser John Edwards will be stuck sitting at a table with Dick Cheney, arguing over who would be the least sensitive Commander-in-Chief!
By the way, has Cheney decided on the heighth of the table yet? What about the chairs? Will they be the same, or will Cheney’s be higher?
Anyway, there are lots of questions and we need answers! Don’t stop asking until the job is done! I’ve put together a little questionaire. If you use it, I think you’ll get to the bottom of things and maybe clear things up by election day. Here it is:
QUESTIONAIRE FOR THE ELDERLY BLACK WOMEN OF THE ORLANDO VOTERS LEAGUE:
1. Whom did you vote for in the 2000 presidential election?
a) Our President and Brother-in-Arms to the Esteemed Governor of your State
b) That mealy-mouthed little wimp who was half of the failed Clinton-Gore Administration
c) Hanging Chad
2. Whom do you plan to vote for in the 2004 presidential election?
a) Our Decisive President Who is a Strong Leader, Who Made the World Safe, Who Liberated Iraq from the Evil Dictator who attacked us on 9-11, and Who is the Brother-in-Arms to the Esteemed Governor of your State
b) The Flip-Flopping Frenchman (al-Qaeda) with the Undistinguished Senate Record (al-Qaeda), Who Was Seen in a doctored Internet Picture with the Traitor Jane Fonda (al-Qaeda), and Who Wasn’t a War Hero After All (al-Qaeda)
c) RALPH NADER. (If you wish to vote for John Kerry, choose “C”)
3. Of the choices given below, which would you most prefer?
a) Sign a loyalty oath to Our President who is a Strong Leader, has Made the World Safe, and is the Brother-in-Arms to the Esteemed Governor of our State.
b) Fight lengthy court battles to defend the $100 dollars I received from the Orlando League of Voters to pay for my gas expenses and the cost of coffee and cookies for all the State Troopers who came to visit.
c) Pull down the blinds and stay home.
70 Days til Elections! Deliver Florida to Our President!