Monday, August 16, 2004
Reverend Franklin Graham
Billy Graham Evangelistic Association
P.O. Box 1270
Charlotte, NC 28201-1270
Dear Reverend Graham (Franklin),
I was afraid it would come to this!
Just three and a half years ago, you delivered the invocation at Our President’s inauguration, and now they won’t even let you into the Republican Convention! This is an outrage!
Don’t take it personally. They didn’t invite Marion “Pat” Robertson either. They didn’t invite Jerry Falwell. You’re not alone. I know, I know--you’re never alone as long as you’re walking with God, but I just meant in a more earthly way.
Do you think they dissed you because of what you said about Islam? Remember when you said the Islamic religion was "wicked, violent and not of the same God."? Remember when you were talking about 9-11 and you said:
"When you read the Koran and you read the verses from the Koran, it instructs the killing of the infidel, for those that are non-Muslim...It wasn't Methodists flying into those buildings, it wasn't Lutherans. It was an attack on this country by people of the Islamic faith."
Jerry Falwell says 9-11 was the pagans’ fault. Also, gays and lesbians and feminists. You say it’s the Muslims’ fault. Which one of you is right?
Our President says 9-11 was Saddam’s fault. Who knows?
Speaking of Jerry Falwell, I’ve been in touch with him and Marion “Pat” Robertson to see if we could make sense of the Republicans boycotting their truest, most loyal base: The Christian Right. I think we’ve concluded that it’s a political ploy. The Republicans feature heathens like Arnold Schwarzenegger and Rudy Giuliani and Lynne Cheney at the convention, and then all the Democrats will be fooled into voting for Our President again! Four more years!
By the way, did you know Lynne Cheney is a pornographer? It’s true! She wrote a steamy western called “Sisters.” It’s about “When Men were Men, and Women were Property.” It’s also about lesbians and fornicators and adulterers. Here is one of the lesbian sinners:
“The young woman was heavily powdered, but quite attractive, a curvesome creature, rounded at bosom and cheek. When she smiled, even her teeth seemed puffed and rounded, like tiny ivory pillows.”
Here is what one lesbian sinner said to the other:
“There will be only the two of us, and we shall linger through long afternoons of sweet retirement. In the evenings I shall read to you while you work your cross-stitch in the firelight. And then we shall go to bed, our bed, my dearest girl.”
I think Jerry Falwell was right--it was the lesbians that caused 9-11! Maybe they were Muslim lesbians. Stop arguing! Find the common ground!
Anyway, I’ve alerted Jerry Falwell and Marion “Pat” Robertson to this, but you’re going to have to take the lead. Bring all the Christian leaders together under one tent, and start a campaign called:
Franklin’s Fundamentalists for the Flip-Flopping Frenchman!
Our President is in trouble! Don’t abandon Him in His hour of need! Pretend to abandon Him! Once the heathen Democrats see that the True Believers are supporting the Flip-Flopping Frenchman, they will flock to the polls to vote for Our President!
And then, once He is re-elected, how do you like the sound of this?:
America’s first Secretary of Religion: Franklin Graham!
That sweetens the pot! But it can only happen if you make it happen! Get on board! Don’t be late! The train is leaving the station! Franklin’s Fundamentalists for the Flip-Flopping Frenchman!
By the way, did you know “Pat” Robertson’s real name is Marion? What’s the inside story? Why did he change his name to “Pat?” Is Marion Robertson wanted somewhere?
Four More Years!
Keep God in the White House and the Gay Muslims out!