Anti Donald Trump political humor and political satire by Paul Chasman

Sunday, August 15, 2004
Reverend Jerry Falwell
Liberty University
1971 University Boulevard
Lynchburg, VA 24502-2269

Dear Reverend Falwell,

That’s what I like about you! You always take the high road.

Not like your Brother-in-Arms, Marion “Pat” Robertson. He’s been whining that you and he and Franklin Graham and all the True Believers who put Our President in the White House, are getting shut out of the Republican Convention. Here’s what the poor sport said:

"The general thrust will be to entice the so-called independent moderates and I am not sure that there would be much reason for a conservative to be there," he said.

I’ll just take my bibles and go home.

You’re so different! Marion “Pat’s” a loose cannon--you’re a team player! Here’s what you said:

"I just believe George Bush is as fine a president as we've had in my lifetime. I'd equate it with Ronald Reagan. . . . I'll be there. If condemning him will help him, I'll condemn him; if applauding him will help him, I'll applaud him."

“I’ll just go quietly in and quietly out,” you said.

I have one bone to pick with you: How can you compare Our President with Ronald Reagan?! Our President is the Best President of All-Time! Bar none. Don’t get me wrong, I liked the Gipper, and he was definitely in the Top 5--somewhere in there with Nixon and Hoover and Taft--but Our President? He’s in a league of His own! In just three and a half years, He’s turned the entire planet into Texas! The Gipper couldn’t do that in eight years!

I just think a big star like you should get their facts straight before you go making public statements you don’t mean! By the way, that line about “turning the planet into Texas?”--I got that from my wife, Viola. She says she’s for Kerry, but I still think she’s undecided. She just doesn’t obey me anymore. Does your wife obey you? Maybe you should write a book: “Jerry Falwell’s Training Tips: How to Make Your Wife Obey. I’ll order my copy now!

Anyway, I’ve alerted Marion “Pat” Robertson about a new campaign that you inspired. It’s called, Falwell’s Fundamentalists for the Flip-Flopping Frenchman! Get God on board the Swift Boat for Kerry! Then all the heathen Democrats will bail out faster than Rush Limbaugh at an Abu Ghraib Frat House Party! Those Demos will see that the Republicans are the party of the heathens Lincoln and Schwarzenegger and Giuliani and Lynne Cheney, and they’ll say, “The Republicans are the party for me!”

By the way, did you know Lynne Cheney is a pornographer? It’s true! She wrote a book about pagans and abortionists and feminists and gays and lesbians. Here’s what she said in her book:

“The women who embraced in the wagon were Adam and Eve crossing a dark cathedral stage -- no, Eve and Eve, loving one another as they would not be able to once they ate of the fruit and knew themselves as they truly were.”

And she’ll be at the Republican Convention! This is a slap in the face! Especially when, after 9-11, you said this:

"I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen.' "

Anyway, if you start Falwell’s Fundamentalists for the Flip-Flopping Frenchman!, it’ll be a win-win situation. First, you will scare the heathen Democrats into voting for Our President. We win! Then Our President will owe you big-time and choose you to be America’s first Secretary of Religion. You win!

I should give you the heads-up that I promised the Secretary of Religion job to Marion “Pat” Robertson, too. Don’t tell him but I think you’ll get it. It’s a slam dunk! All you have to do is compare your promo pictures. Marion “Pat” Robertson wears an outdoors-y buckskin ensemble that looks like he shot it himself and it makes him look like an eco-terrorist who just got back from stuffing sand in a logger’s gas tank. You look like a fat, successful, respectable banker, and you have that Cheshire cat smile and your Rolex watch!

By the way, is that Rolex real? I bet it is. I asked you that before, but you forgot to answer my question.

Onward Falwell’s Fundamentalists for the Flip-Flopping Frenchman! You can make the difference! Do it now!

By the way, did you know “Pat” Robertson’s real name is Marion? It’s true.

I wrote a new Pledge of Allegiance for when you become America’s first Secretary of Religion. I didn’t give this to Marion “Pat” Robertson. This is an exclusive! You want to hear it? Here it is:

I Pledge Allegiance to the Flag;
Of the United States of America;
And to the Republic for Which it Stands;
One Nation under a white, male, Christian God
(From the Old Testiment); Indivisable;
With Liberty and Justice for All Who Worship Him!

Four more years with Falwell’s Fundamentalists for the Flip-Flopping Frenchman!

Carl Estrada

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