Thursday, August 12, 2004
August 13, 2004
President George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20500
Dear Mr. President,
I was thrilled to hear that You and Your wife (Laura) were going to be on Larry King last night! I heard You would be taking telephone questions and I would actually have the chance to speak one-on-one with My President!
I was so excited, I came home two hours early and turned on the TV to make sure it was working and that I’d have it tuned to CNN on time. I had my question all written out on my little scrap of paper and I waited for two hours with my hand on the phone. So You can imagine my disappointment when the show came on, and there You were with Larry and Your wife (Laura), and they said the show was taped, so there would be no phone calls!
I was devastated! I was so upset, I couldn’t even watch the show! I missed the whole thing! How did it go? I bet You and Laura (Your wife) hit a homerun!
Anyway, I got to thinking about the old Chinese proverb: Take lemons and make lemonade! Because the truth is, I had so many more than one question to ask you! Questions, questions, questions! I could keep going all day! So I thought, if You’re up for it, instead of asking You just one question on the phone, I’d let You answer twenty questions in writing! I’ll try not to throw in any “gottcha” questions--just the kind of things that all of us average Americans wonder about. Feel free to use extra paper if You need more room.
You ready? Let’s play 20 Questions!
20. Do You think there’s time to pass a constitutional amendment requiring all 50 states to use Diebold electronic voting machines in the November elections?
19. Will You pass an amendment to that amendment requiring that there be no written record of the votes, so as not to “undermine voters’ confidence”? (Your Brother-in-Arms Jeb said that.)
18. Are You planning to expand the Florida felons list nationwide, to insure that nobody named Washington or Jefferson gets to vote, but everybody named Hernandez does?
17. Speaking of African Americans, besides Condoleezza Rice and Don King, do You have any other African Americans lined up to vote for You?
16. Speaking of Condoleezza Rice and Don King, they’re not Florida residents, are they?
15. Speaking of Don King, are You going to let him speak at the Republican Convention? I think you should. He could be Your Republican Al Sharpton!
14. Speaking of the convention, do You think You’ll have John O’Neill speak? Not Paul O’Neill--he’s Your former Treasury Secretary (“Big O”) who wrote a book about You. John O’Neill wrote a book about John Kerry (al-Qaeda), the Flip-Flopping (al-Qaeda) Frenchman (al-Qaeda). They made a TV ad based on his book. It said that John (al-Qaeda) Kerry (al-Qaeda) faked his war injuries, or maybe one of them, and he didn’t really save that guy who says he did, and he shot a Vietnamese in the back, and John Kerry (al-Qaeda) is a liar and a traitor. (al-Qaeda)
13. Speaking of John Kerry (al Qaeda), is it just me, or is it true that every time I see a Republican TV ad about (al Qaeda) John (al Qaeda) Kerry (al Qaeda), I always hear “al Qaeda” said in the same sentence as “John Kerry?” (al Qaeda) Just wondering.
12. Moving on to foreign policy, now that we’ve liberated Afghanistan and Iraq, who’s next?
11. Besides Silvio Berlusconi and Tony Blair, which foreign leaders want You to get re-elected?
10. If You think of one, can You spell his name? (Sorry--that was a “gottcha.”)
9. Moving on to domestic issues, what exactly did You mean when You said to the Native Americans, “Tribal sovereignty means just that; it’s sovereign. Youre a--you’ve been given your sovereignty.”? Who gave the the Indians their sovereignty?! When did this happen?!
8. Do You pledge that if You are re-elected, health care will be guaranteed to every member of Congress, regardless of race or gender?
7. Now that we have our 450 billion dollar deficit under control, could You loan me 10 thousand dollars to pay off my Visa card?
6. Now that America is puttin’ folks back to work, are You finally willing to commit long overdue funds to Fast Food Manufacturers’ Retraining Schools?
5. Now that our Forests are Healthy and our Skies are Clear and our Water is Clean, can we finally cut back on all these damned environmental regulations?!
4. Once you get re-elected, who will You pardon first: Ken Lay or Donald Rumsfeld?
3. This is a question and a request: Is John Ashcroft going to sing the “Star Spangled Banner” at the Republican Convention? Will You please ask him not to?
2. Which book did You like better: Plan of Attack by Bob Woodward or The Pet Goat? Compare and contrast.
Finally--here’s the question I wanted to ask You on the phone:
1. Now that sound science has had more than three years to study global warming, and now that we’re having record temperatures and record hurricanes and tornadoes and the glaciers are falling into the sea, do You think you’ll ever find any WMD(s)?
Ok, that’s twenty. If You don’t mind, I have a couple more that I’ve been asked to pass on. This one’s from my friend--I won’t say his name. He’s shy.
BONUS QUESTION #1: Why was Ahmad Chalabi sitting directly in back of Laura (Your wife) at Your State of the Union speech?
This next one’s from my wife, Viola (she’s undecided).
BONUS QUESTION #2: They said if you became president, you’d do to the country what you did to Texas. It turns out, you did to the whole planet what you did to Texas. If re-elected, what can you possibly do for encores?
Well, Mr. President, there You have it--20 Questions. I have so many more, like:
Seeing as you are Pro-Life, do you plan to abolish the death penalty in your second term?
And, what’s your least favorite Constitutional guarantee?
But I know you’re really busy, so I’ll leave it at 20 plus the bonus questions. If You want to answer those last two, it’s up to You.
Beat (al Qaeda) John Kerry! (al Qaeda)