Tuesday, August 10, 2004
August 10, 2004
Congressman Porter Goss
108 Cannon House Office Building
Washington DC 220515
Dear Mr. Goss,
I heard Our President has tapped you to be His new CIA director. Another Yale man! It seems like Yale men run the world! Check it out! It’s true!
QUESTION: What do George W. Bush, his dad George Bush Sr., his dad Prescott Bush, Bill Clinton, Gerald Ford, Howard Dean, Joe Lieberman, Paul Bremer, Paul Wolfowitz, Former CIA Directors George Tenet and James Woolsey, and you have in common?
ANSWER: You’re all Yale men!
What do they put in your water over there?! Do you know who else is a Yale man? John Kerry, the Flip-Flopping Frenchman--that’s who!
He’s also a Bonesman. A Bonesman is a member of Skull and Bones, the top secret society at Yale. They have more secrets than the CIA! Do you know who else is a Bonesman? Our President! Also His dad and His dad’s dad.
QUESTION: Which of these Bonesmen has George W. Bush not nominated or appointed to prestigious positions: Head of the Securities and Exchange Commission, Bill Donaldson, Assistant Attorney General Robert McCallum, General Counsel to the Office of Homeland Security Edward McNally, Ambassador to Trinidad and Tobago Roy Austin, McGeorge Bundy, the national security adviser to presidents Kennedy and Johnson?
ANSWER: None. They’re all Bonesmen. I heard you’re a Bonesman, too. Is that true? This is all so suspicious. I think your first act as CIA director should be to investigate! Ha, ha--just kidding.
Anyway, I know the job’s not yours yet. You still have to you face some tough grilling from those partisan Democrats, but I know you’ll knock their questions out of the park! Just pretend you’re back in Yale and going through some frat house hazing, like when Our President was in Skull and Bones and He burned those freshmans’ butts with a hot poker. What a kidder Our President is!
Anyway, I know you’ll pass with flying colors, so I want to be the first to say, “Welcome Aboard!”
I have three tips that I think will make your job easier:
1) If you want to get Our President’s attention, tell Him it’s a “slam dunk.” It works! Remember when George Tenet told Our President it was a “slam dunk” that Saddam had WMD(s)? That got his attention! Remember when Tenet gave Our President that August 6, 2001 memo called, “Bin Laden Determined to Strike in U.S.”? What did Our President do? Nothing! Why? Because Tenet didn’t tell Him it was a “slam-dunk!”
Between you and me, I think George Tenet was in way over his head.
2) Find some WMD(s). If Tenet had found WMD(s), he’d still have a job. It doesn’t have to be much. Maybe an old vial of mustard gas that we sold Saddam in the 80’s. Maybe you could even plant a bottle of French’s mustard somewhere in Iraq and have a soldier find it. Who would know? You just need to come up with something.
By the way, I should brief you on why I call Weapons of Mass Destruction WMD(s) instead of WMD. It’s because in baseball, they used to call Runs Batted In, “RBI’s” but lately they’ve started calling it “RBI,” which is stupid because that sounds like Run Batted In instead of Runs Batted In. Same thing with WMD--that sounds like Weapon of Mass Destruction. But it would be stupid to call it “W(s)MD” even though is would be technically right. You wouldn’t want to call it “WMD’s” because that would be “Weapons of Mass Destructions.” That’s why I call it “WMD(s).” It makes the most sense. I’ve already briefed Our President and Rumsfeld on this, but I thought you should know too.
3) Don’t tell Bob Novak who your spies are. He’s got a big mouth! Don’t tell Cheney either. He doesn’t have a big mouth--it’s kind of small, but it tilts up to one side, and sometimes he says things out of the side that tilts up like, “Go f*** yourself,” or “Valerie Plame is a CIA spy.” Play your cards close to the vest!
Anyway, keep your chin up and your feet on the ground and reach for the stars! You’ll be a great CIA director. You Yale men always are!