Sunday, August 01, 2004
August 1, 2004
Tom Ridge, Director
Department of Homeland Security
Washington, D.C. 20528
Dear Mr. Ridge,
I just want to give you the heads-up that you will be getting a May 27 letter I wrote to Attorney General John Ashcroft that he’s passing on to you. In the letter, I told him I was worried because he kept raising the Terror Alert and you kept lowering it again. I asked him who was right. I guess he didn’t want to be bothered by some little nobody like me, so he decided to slough it off to you. The buck stops there! Let Ridge deal with it!
To tell you the truth, I’m starting to wonder if Ashcroft’s up to the job! Maybe he’s cracking under the pressure. Every time there’s a convention or The Flip-Flopping Frenchman with the Undistinguished Senate Record gets a lead in the polls, he goes flying off the handle and issues a new terror alert or announcing he just caught some guy with an Arab name who we never hear about again until they send him home to his sheep farm. Better safe than sorry.
I just hope you respond to my letter faster than Ashcroft did, because at this rate, I won’t be hearing from you until after the elections of 2008. I just think that when a tax-paying American citizen writes to his---WAIT! What’s this? Wolf Blitzer is on and he looks serious!
He’s telling me that you just held a press conference and you said that New York City and parts of New Jersey and D.C. are on ORANGE ALERT! even though they were on ORANGE ALERT! before, while most of the rest the country is on YELLOW ALERT! This is not quite RED ALERT! but it’s much more ORANGE ALERT! than before.
The reason we’re on a heightened ORANGE ALERT! is because there’s new intelligence that al Qaeda is planning to bomb our financial centers at any moment! We can expect buffer zones and security zones and “robust screening of vehicles, packages, and deliveries.” Just when we put our duct tape away!
Wolf Blitzer looks worried! There’s desparation in his voice! Oh--there’s you! They’re showing a clip of you. Here’s what you’re saying:
“There is no information that indicates a specific time for these attacks beyond the period leading up to our national elections.”
Great news! This is the break Our President has been looking for! Ever since The Flip-Flopping Frenchman with the Undistinguished Senate Record gave his speech, I’ve been worried because some people are saying maybe Our President isn’t such a Strong Leader after all. And even though the $445 billion dollar deficit is much better than Our President expected, to the average idiot who doesn’t understand economics, that seems kind of high. Also, the 9-11 Commission didn’t blame Our President at all, except for Chapter 8 which is titled, “The System was Blinking Red.” Also, that memo the CIA gave Our President that was titled, “Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States.” But I still think the whole thing was Clinton’s fault.
I wonder--if New York City has an ORANGE ALERT!, why should the whole rest of the country have to be on YELLOW ALERT!? I live far away from the city. Maybe rural America should be on Tan Alert! You could put the suburbs on Mauve Alert! I bet if The Flip-Flopping Frenchman with the Undistinguished Senate Record were president, we’d have a whole color wheel to choose from for our alerts! I just think you need to think this system through some more. We’re still confused.
Anyway, The Flip-Flopping Frenchman with the Undistinguished Senate Record got a good spike after the convention, and this ORANGE ALERT! will help Our President spike right back and give Him some good momentum going into His convention. I hope you’re right that this heightened ORANGE ALERT! on steroids will carry on til the elections. Maybe we won’t even have to go to the Supreme Court this time!
93 More Days of ORANGE ALERT!