Thursday, July 29, 2004
July 30, 2004
Jeb Bush, Governor
Executive Office of the Governor
400 S. Monroe Street
Tallahassee, Florida 32399-0001
Dear Governor Bush,
Uh oh. I think we have a big problem.
Did you hear Kerry’s speech last night? For months, I’ve been watching your brother’s ads and listening to journalists like O’Reilly and Hannity, trying to figure out, “Who is the Real John Kerry?”
Well, I have to say, he wasn’t quite what I expected. He didn’t flip. He didn’t flop. He didn’t mention Jane Fonda once. And I thought he was supposed to be a pessimist. Do you know what he said? He said:
“They say this is the best economy we've ever had. And they say that anyone who thinks otherwise is a pessimist. Well, here is our answer: There is nothing more pessimistic than saying America can't do better.”
(I think “they” means us.)
Also, I thought he was supposed to be a wimpy liberal. Well, guess what? Kerry’s tough! The guy’s a rock! He looks like Abraham Lincoln with good hair! Speaking of Abraham Lincoln, I always thought Our President looked heroic and presidential and bigger than life when he strutted out on the S.S. Abraham Lincoln in his fighter plane jump suit and his helmet and flak jacket and the huge American flag in back of him and the sign that said, “Mission Accomplished!” But last night I heard Kerry say:
“In these dangerous days there is a right way and a wrong way to be strong. Strength is more than tough words.” Then he said, “And proclaiming mission accomplished certainly doesn't make it so.”
I have a confession to make--ever since I heard Kerry speak last night, when I think of our president, this is who I picture: Barney Fife.
Speaking of American flags, I knew this was going to catch up to him! I’ve been warning our president from Day One that his flag lapel pin was crooked and he should straighten it out, but he just won’t listen to me. Did you see Kerry’s flag pin? Straight! Upright! Righteous! Kerry sealed it when he said:
“That flag doesn't belong to any president. It doesn't belong to any ideology and it doesn't belong to any political party. It belongs to all the American people.”
Our president had the corner on the flag issue, and now he’s lost it, just because he was too stubborn to listen to me and straighten out his pin!
At least, we still have the high ground when it comes to religion. Our President has been America’s Number One Christian ever since he stopped drinking and snorting coke and became Born Again! But last night, Kerry said something that confused me. He said:
“I don't want to claim that God is on our side. As Abraham Lincoln told us, I want to pray humbly that we are on God's side.”
What did he mean by that?!
Kerry said another thing I didn’t understand. He said:
“I will be a commander in chief who will never mislead us into war. I will have a Vice President who will not conduct secret meetings with polluters to rewrite our environmental laws. I will have a Secretary of Defence who will listen to the best advice of our military leaders. And I will appoint an Attorney General who actually upholds the Constitution of the United States.”
When he said it, all the Democrats started cheering wildly. What was his point? Am I missing something?
Anyway, I’m worried. I wish the Demos had picked Al Sharpton. I think we would have done better against him. Or maybe Michael Dukakis again. We could’ve beaten him. Or maybe they could’ve picked Mondale. He looks old and tired. I think we would have had a good chance against him.
But this is where you come in! Kerry has his Brothers in Arms--so does Our President! He has you! I have a 4-Pronged Plan of Attack that I want to recommend. It’s called: Operation Level Playing Field!
Step 1: Keep up the heat with the electronic, touch screen voting machines! In the 2002 Democratic primary for governor, the touch screens lost 8 per cent of the votes in 31 precincts. Janet Reno lost a close one and when they investigated, the computers crashed and all the records were lost. We must, I repeat, must use touch screen voting in November!
Step 2: Do not allow a paper trail to verify computer votes! Do not allow independent audits! You said it yourself: An independent audit would only “undermine voters’ confidence.”
Step 3: Keep working on that felons’ list! That 10 billion dollars you got from Homeland Security to prepare a felons’ list is money well spent! Keep it up! Just think of what would happen if we allowed every African-American to vote whose name was similar to a convicted felon! Also, out of the 47,000 people on the list, only 61 were Hispanic. Good thinking! We might need them.
Step 4: Don King! He’s Republican! He wants to help! He’s available! Give him a job! Let him oversee the Florida elections. He’s had lots of experience in boxing promotion, and the important thing is: He delivers!
If you follow my 4-pronged Operation Level Playing Field, I think we might still have a chance.
At least in Florida.