Anti Donald Trump political humor and political satire by Paul Chasman

Wednesday, July 28, 2004
July 29, 2004
Vice President Dick Cheney
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, DC 20500

Dear Vice President Cheney,

I have good news and bad news.

The good news is my wife Viola, hates Elizabeth Edwards. Hates her! Viola has never hated anybody in her life, but last night when Elizabeth Edwards was introducing her husband John, I heard my wife mutter, “What’s she got that I don’t have?”

A minute later, she snarled, “That could have been me!” She was about to throw her coffee mug at our brand new, 72” TV (more on that later), but just then, Elizabeth Edwards said, “Ladies and gentlemen, the next Vice President of the United States: Jo-o-ohn Edwards!”

And out he came with that big Pepsodent smile and that perfect hair, and Viola dropped her coffee mug and you’ll never guess what she did: She started crying.

That’s the bad news: Viola loves John Edwards. Loves him!

She was hanging on every word and she was leaning off the end of the sofa with her fists clenched and big tears running down her cheeks and every time he’d hit a punch line, she’d scream along with the convention crowd like she was a sixteen-year-old at a Beatles concert!

And I have to admit, I was getting caught up in it too. When he said:

“And together, we will ensure that the image of America -- the image all of us love -- America, this great shining light, this beacon of freedom, democracy and human rights that the world looks up to, is always lit,” I almost jumped up and cheered, but then I remembered who he is--The Inexperienced Liberal Lawyer Who Won’t Make Our Country Safe--and I got a grip on myself.

More bad news: Viola isn’t the only woman who loves John Edwards. They all do! Let’s face it--if you were a woman, who would you like: John Edwards or Dick Cheney? No offense, but the only two women who will vote for you are Lynn Cheney and Laura Bush, and if I were you, I’d keep them away from the TV when Edwards is on!

Good news: I have a plan. You have to resign. Fall on your sword! It’ll be easy! Just say you’ve had four heart attacks and your drug-addicted doctor fooled you into thinking you were up for the job just like the CIA fooled you into thinking there were WMD(s). Tell everybody America isn’t safe with a vice president whose health is so bad.

You can say, “I’m so sick, I can’t even smile out of both sides of my mouth anymore!”

And I have just the person to replace you. The one person who can stand up to John Edwards. Can you guess? No cheating--don’t ask Our President--I’ve already made my recommendation to Him. Are you ready?

Hillary Rodham Clinton!

It’s the only thing that makes sense! She’s the one person who Viola would vote for instead of Edwards. I think.

Anyway, back to the TV--we’ve been having TV troubles this year. I went through a bad patch this spring where every time Our President came on, I’d suddenly, out of nowhere, go into a convulsion and yell a swear word and throw something at the TV. I won’t tell you the words I said but remember when you told Senator Leahy to “go f***” himself? It was that bad.

Then, a couple of months ago, Viola threw a bowl of popcorn through the TV while Our President was speaking. For a while, we had to bring out our tiny TV from the bathroom, but before the Democratic Convention, I bought the family a present: A brand new, digital, flat screen, surround sound TV that turns our living room into a movie theater!

Now I’m wondering if it was such a good idea. Maybe I should have waited til after November.

Four more years of Bush-Hillary ‘04!
Carl Estrada

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