Anti Donald Trump political humor and political satire by Paul Chasman

Tuesday, July 27, 2004
July 28, 2004
Karl Rove
Advisor to the President
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, D.C. 20500

Dear Mr. Rove,

Have you been watching the convention? I picked up something I thought you could use. I noticed every single news person--Hannity, Britt Hume, Joe Scarborough--everybody--is saying the same thing about the Flip-Flopping Fonda-Loving Pessimistic French Senator from Massachusetts. Here it is:

NOBODY KNOWS WHAT HE STANDS FOR NOBODY KNOWS WHAT HE STANDS FOR NOBODY KNOWS WHAT HE STANDS FOR NOBODY KNOWS WHAT HE STANDS FOR NOBODY KNOWS WHAT HE STANDS FOR NOBODY KNOWS NOBODY KNOWS WHAT HE STANDS FOR

That’s the big story of this convention! We don’t know a thing about him! I’ve been wracking my brain trying to think of one thing I know about the Flip-Flopping Fonda-Loving Pessimistic French Senator from Massachussetts and here’s the only thing I know:

I know he was a war hero a long time ago and everybody who served under him would give their life for him.

Also, he windsurfs. He plays the guitar. He rides a motorcycle.

After that, I draw a blank....

There might have been something about how he would never mislead the American people to go into an unnecessary war.

Also, I seem to remember something about troops. I think he said he wanted to pay troops enough so their families wouldn’t have to go on welfare, and there was also something about giving them health benefits when they get home.

Also, better equipment. He wants better equipment. Also, he wants to send enough troops so they can protect each other and not be totally outnumbered.

Somewhere in there, didn’t he say he had better skills than Our President in working with other countries? Something about how we all had to work together instead of the U.S. being a Lone Ranger and making everybody in the world hate us except for maybe Tony Blair?

I just don’t have a clue about the Flip-Flopping Frenchman. He wouldn’t know a conviction if it bit him! Like the environment--he’s gone from fighting acid rain to writing a vehicle emissions reduction bill with John McCain, to fighting air pollution to water pollution, to developing alternative energy sources--and now he says he wants to enforce existing environmental laws--the guy is all over the lot! And do you know what his wife Teresa Heinz said last night? She said Kerry wants to fight global warming! What a piece of work!

Speaking of Teresa Heinz--did you see her? I didn’t. She put me to sleep. But my wife, Viola--she sure didn’t go to sleep! She kept punching me in the arm and saying, “Wake up, Carl! You’re missing the best speech of the year!” I was just going into a good snooze when Viola shook me and said, “Listen to this!” And out of my fog, I heard Teresa say:

“My right to speak my mind, to have a voice, to be what some have called ‘opinionated,’ is a right I deeply and profoundly cherish. My only hope is that, one day soon, women - who have all earned the right to their opinions - instead of being labeled opinionated, will be called smart or well-informed, just as men are.”

Viola was shaking me and saying, “You hear that?!” And I said, “Right--whatever,” and went back to sleep. I was drifting into a dream where Our President was a Roman Emperor sitting up high in the Colisseum, and He was looking down below where Rumsfeld and Powell were fighting with swords and spears and Dick Cheney was sneaking up behind Powell to blindside him and the crowd was shouting, ‘YES! YES!” and I woke up to Viola shouting, “YES!” and I looked at the screen and Teresa was saying:

“There is a value in taking a stand whether or not anyone may be noticing and whether or not it is a risky thing to do. And if even those who are in danger can raise their lonely voices, isn't more required of all of us, in this land where liberty had her birth?”

Anyway, I’ll never get to use the phone anymore because Viola’s been on all morning talking with her friends about Teresa Heinz. I don’t get it--so what if she speaks five languages and fought Apartheid and donates millions of dollars to worthy causes. I like the Laura Bush quiet-not-pushy-librarian type better. I guess it’s just a matter of taste.

But getting back to Kerry Doesn’t Stand for Anything Doesn’t Stand for Anything Doesn’t Stand for Anything--if it weren’t for your commercials, I wouldn’t know anything about the guy at all! I think the country owes you a big debt in helping us “define” him!

There was one thing about health care for every child.

Also, he’s talked about not giving tax breaks to corporations who set up shop overseas. I think he’s for that.

Who was that guy--I think he was Reagan’s son? He said Kerry is for Stem Cell Research. It all got kind of technical and he lost me, but he was saying a skin graft is not the same as a living human being. Is that what Kerry stands for? What kind of platform is that?

“My Fellow Americans:
I’m here to tell you tonight that a skin graft is not the same as a living human being!”

Well, duh.

Also, I heard Kerry supports the findings of the 9-11 Commission and wants to follow their recommendations and give them 18 months to finish their work. Hasn’t this gone on long enough?

Anyway, we don’t know a thing about this guy. His daughters are beautiful and intelligent. I guess we know that.

Also, I remember he said he wants people who make over $200,000 a year to give their tax cuts back. Something about how we can’t afford it because we’re trillions of dollars in debt. He’s always talking about not wanting to borrow money from our children. As if! The only time my kids even call is when they want to borrow money from me!

Just give me someone I can trust! Someone with a simple message I can understand. Someone like George W. Bush:

STRONG LEADER!
UNITER NOT A DIVIDER!
NOT INTO NATION BUILDING!
COMPASSIONATE CONSERVATIVE!
WAR PRESIDENT!
PEACE PRESIDENT!

By the way, who was that Barack Obama guy? He was pretty good. Remember when he said, “There’s not a liberal America and a conservative America; there’s the United States of America!” What did he mean by that? Maybe Kerry will explain.

97 Days til Elections!
Carl Estrada

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