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Monday, July 26, 2004
July 27, 2004
President George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, DC 20500

Dear Mr. President,

Did You watch the Democratic Convention last night? Say what You want about the Demos--they are pretty entertaining.

Could You believe Clinton?!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN: ELVIS IS IN THE BUILDING!

That guy! He was like Babe Ruth on steroids! He kept knocking ‘em over the fence, over the bleachers, and into the parking lot! It’s a good thing he’s not running again! You’d have to pass a Constitutional Amendment banning debates!

But the problem is the Democrats aren’t playing fair--they’re talking about the issues! I didn’t hear one joke about how “Bush is all hat and no cattle,” or “Bush was born on third base and thought he hit a triple,” or “You can tell Bush is lying because his lips are moving.” Not one speaker even mentioned Your name! Not once! If You were filling out a form, this is what You would have to say:

Last Name: Administration
First Name: The
Middle Name: Current

Speaking of forms, did You hear the big flap about the immigrants who became U.S. citizens in Florida and were given voter registration forms with only one party to sign up for? Guess which party it was? Republican! I don’t know why everybody’s getting so bent out of shape. What if those immigrants were given a choice? Some of them might make a mistake and register Democrat!

I have some late-breaking news for You, and I don’t know how to say it so I’ll be blunt: Cheney is dead weight. He’s dragging You down! I know he’s a Great American and he showed You the ropes when You were still wet behind the ears and he took charge after Saddam started 9-11 and You were sitting in that grade school classroom with a kindergarten book in Your hand, plotting Your strategy.

But the point is: Cheney’s depressing. When he smiles, it looks like he has gas pains. He’s had four heart attacks, his doctor’s a drug addict, and ever since he told Senator Leahy to “go f***” himself, he seems to have lost his spark.

Who will your new vice president be? No, no--not John McCain. McCain’s a bad sport. He’s still holding a grudge because you spread that rumor in South Dakota that he fathered an illegitimate black child.

Besides, McCain’s a loose cannon. Think outside the box! The choice is obvious. I’ll give you a hint: SHE wore a yellow pants suit when SHE spoke at the convention last night. SHE is married to someone who was once president. SHE is the last person anyone would expect you to choose.

Give up? Ok, one more hint. HER initials are: HRC.

Ok, ok--nobody said Our President has to be good at guessing games. For Your running mate You should choose: Hillary Rodham Clinton! It’s the only thing that makes sense! Here are four reasons You should pick Hillary to be Your vice president:

1) Women love her! Right now, you have three women voting for you--Gale Norton, Condi Rice and Laura Bush (Your wife). I’m not even sure you’ve got your daughters’ votes locked up yet. You need the women’s vote! Hillary will deliver!

2) Hillary vs. Edwards. Everybody’s saying they might be fighting each other over the presidency in four or eight years. She’s got all the reason in the world to want to go for the early knockout, right here and now!

3) Bill is with You or against You. We just can’t have Bill Clinton going around the country saying, “We need a president who’s strong AND wise.” What did he mean by that?! Anyway, Clinton owes his wife big-time, and with Big Bill working the crowd for you, it’ll be a slam dunk!

4) Neutralize Hillary. Once the Bush/Hillary ‘04 team is elected, you can send her off on important assignments like tea parties with Joyce Rumsfeld or cookie bakes with Laura (Your wife). Then at last, the presidency will be Yours! No more old men like Cheney or your dad telling You what to do! They’re yesterday’s news! Stand straight! Stand tall! Shoulders back! Chest out! Stomach in! Now it’s just You and Your “Higher Father!”

THE BOY BECOMES A MAN!

Carl Estrada

 

 
 
 
 
 


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