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Tuesday, March 09, 2004
President George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, D.C. 20500

Dear Mr. President,

I’m home! I had a great time in Carney, Nebraska at the 1st Annual Neighborhood Grocers’ Convention. The keynote address was, “How to Maximize Your Profits When Wal-Mart Buys Out Your Block.” Here’s the funny part: we were booked in a Holiday Inn but we had to move to a Motel 6 because--you guessed it--Wal Mart had bought up the block the Holiday Inn was on!

But it was a fun convention anyway, and we agreed to do it again next year if enough of us are still in business. My favorite workshop was, “Turn Lemons into Lemonade with Your $90 Tax Refund.”

You can imagine how those grocers are a wild bunch of guys, so I didn’t get much sleep and I never even saw the news. So I was really upset to come home and find out we’re in big trouble! Did you hear what that Liberal, Jane Fonda-loving Senator from Massachussets is saying now? He says he wants to debate you once a month from now until the elections, with a different topic for each debate! At first I thought he had you boxed in a corner--if you said no, people would think you were afraid to debate him, and if you said yes, well--we know what would happen then!

But I think there’s a way around it. Tell him you’ll be happy to accept his challenge, but due to National Security, the debates will have to be private. Say you’ll meet him anywhere--the Oval Office or even at Camp David. The important thing is that there be no witnesses because we’re fighting a War on Terror, and we know how Washington leaks!

Also, say that as president you should get to pick the Private Debate topics each month. Here’s what I think they should be:

April: Who Was the Best Baseball Team of All Time--The 1998-2000 New York Yankees or the 1972-1974 Oakland A’s?

Start out easy! It’s April and that means baseball! I guess you could make a case for the 1927 Yankees, but I think the players are much better since they started taking steroids. How about the 1975-1976 Cincinnati Reds, “The Big Red Machine”--now there was a baseball team! Anyway, this would be a great “warm-up” topic on a subject you know a lot about.

May: Do You Favor a Constitutional Amendment Saying Marriage Should Be Between a White Man and White Woman?

Here’s a subject you can sink your teeth into! You’ll have the Liberal Jane Fonda-loving Senator from Massachussets flip-flopping like a seal with this “wedge issue.”

June: Did Mel Gibson Really Kill Jesus?

He says he did. Does he mean literally or is he using a metaphor? (A metaphor is a symbol---oh, never mind.)

July: Which Oil Company Should Get the Exclusive, No-Bid Contract When We Drill For Oil in the Alaska National Wildlife Refuge?

Another “area of expertise” for you. I know Cheney will want to give it to Halliburton, but you owe ExxonMobile some favors. Maybe you could let ExxonMobile do the drilling and let Halliburton provide “support.” Then everybody will be happy!

August: Does the nation need a “War Hero” or a “War President?”

Another winner for you. After the debate, run some more ads of you standing in front of the Twin Towers while they’re blowing up.

September: Should a UN Inspection Team Oversee Our Elections?

Whatever you do, don’t let Jimmy Carter near this one! Or Hans Blix.

October: Where is bin Laden?

October Surprise! Catch bin Laden the day before the Private Debate. Then you can call the whole thing off, and you can call off the elections too because everybody will vote for you then! It’ll be unanimous! Just like Saddam Hussein!

Four more years! (And maybe even more after that!)

Sincerely,
Carl Estrada

 

 
 
 
 
 


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