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Monday, May 03, 2004
May 4, 2004 President George W. Bush The White House 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. Wahsington, DC 20500

Dear Mr. President,

I was wondering--when you had your last physical, did they check your hearing?

The reason I ask is there’s been a lot of news about how much you and God talk to each other, and I just want to make sure you’re hearing Him ok. He probably has a loud voice, but maybe He whispers so only you can hear Him.

I just know that the older I get, the more stuff I miss. My wife and I are terrible. She’ll say, “You know what I’m wishing...” And I’ll say, “You say you’re going fishing?”

Or maybe I’ll say to her, “I’m going into town,” and she’ll say, “You’re going to buy me a new gown?”

We once had a big fight because of a simple misunderstanding. My wife told me, “We need to have a new chair,” and I said, “You need to have an affair!?” And she said, “You’re having an affair?! I’m crushed! This is the last straw!” And I said, “Rush Limbaugh? What does he have to do with this?!

That’s how rumors get started.

Anyway, I got to thinking--you’re around my age, and you might have to admit your hearing isn’t as good as it used to be. When God talks to you, maybe you’re misunderstanding Him. Maybe when you thought He said, “GO YE FORTH WITH MISSILES TO IRAQ!” what He really said was, “GO YE FORTH AND LISTEN TO CHIRAC!” Maybe you thought God said, “SPURN YE ALL CONCESSIONS! FREE IT FROM SADDAM!” when He really said, “LEARN YE ALL THE LESSONS OF VIET NAM!” Or maybe He said, “WAR IS UN-CHRISTIAN!’” and you thought He said, “AL GORE IS UN-CHRISTIAN!

Speaking of doing God’s will, have you heard about the penguins? Out of the 53 penguins at the Central Park Zoo, eight of them are gay! This is an outrage! It just goes to show what happens when society becomes too permissive! They tried separating the four gay penguin couples, but guess what? Seven out of the eight penguins went back to being gay again. I wonder if they tried Christian counseling? That’s the only thing that works.

And it’s spreading! There’s a gay penguin couple at the New York Aquarium named Wendell and Cass who have their own nest and flaunt themselves outside the nest, and Cass even fights during mating season to protect his nest. All the other penguins are afraid of him. (On the other hand, they say Wendell is “afraid of his own shadow.”)

They’re even talking about gay penguins adopting babies and raising them! This has got to stop! It’s not natural! I think there should be a Constitutional amendment banning gay penguin marriages! Also gay grizzly bears and gorillas and flamingos and owls and salmon! “Scientists” say there are gays in over 450 species. It’s spreading like wildfire in a Healthy Forest! Have you talked to God about this?

Also bonobo chimps. Make sure you have a Constitutional amendment against them too. They’ll “do it” with anything that moves! They invented “Make Love, Not War.” When there’s an argument over food, they have sex over it. When there’s an argument over territory, they have sex over it. When there’s an argument over sex... You get the idea. And then when they’re done arguing “bonobo style,” they feel too friendly to fight anymore.

And here’s the scariest part: They say bonobos are genetically the closest of any animal to humans. We’re 98% bonobos! No wonder you don’t believe in evolution! Can you imagine how you and Saddam would work things out?!

I think you’d better consult your “Higher Father” on this one. But be sure to listen carefully and ask Him not to mumble.

Four more years! (Or did He say, “POUR MORE BEERS!”...?)

Carl Estrada

 

 
 
 
 
 


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