Sunday, July 25, 2004
July 25, 2004
Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi
c/o Embassy of Italy
3000 Whitehaven Street, N.W.
Washington, D.C., 20008
Dear Prime Minister Berlusconi,
I just got home from a vacation in your country, and I have to say--I’m impressed!
Remember Mussolini? They say he always made the trains run on time. And so do you! I didn’t actually take a train, but my rental car ran on time. Also, my plane. It was right on time. In fact, it was nine hours early. Ha, ha--that’s American humor.
Some people like the wine in Italy best. Some people like the food. Do you know what I liked best in Italy? The low birth rate! They say it’s the lowest of any country in the world. And right in the Pope’s backyard! Whatever you’re doing, you should package it and sell it! Maybe you could give some tips to Our President. He could propose the Berlusconi Population Plan right before the election, and then He’ll win again!
POP QUIZ: What’s the biggest problem in the world:
a) Saddam Hussein
b) Demonstrators at G-8 Meetings
c) Too many people!
(See bottom of page for the answer. Don’t cheat!)
I have one question: If the birth rate in Italy is so low, why is traffic so bad? Also, why are Italian drivers so crazy? I almost got run over by a nun on a motorcycle! And I’ve never seen so many ambulances in my life! There must be two ambulances for every car! In the old days when they would have the big games at the Colisseum, at least they didn’t hold up traffic every time they hauled off another gladiator on a stretcher. But those ambulances really tie things up when they’re hauling off the road casualties! Then come the polizia and fire trucks and they hold things up some more. Then the tow trucks.
Speaking of polizia, whatever happened to the “bad apples” who beat up the demonstrators at the G-8 Convention in Genoa? In my country, we call them “bad apples” because it means most of the apples in the barrel are delicious beyond compare--especially the ones at the top, but at the bottom there might be a few rotten ones that make the whole barrel stink, but it’s not the fault of the delicious apples at the top--they’re perfectly good. It’s just a few bad ones at the bottom.
Speaking of tips, you could give a few to Rupert Murdoch. Also, Roger Ailes. Rupert Murdoch owns FOX-TV and Roger Ailes runs FOX-News. Their motto is: “Fair and Balanced.” They give all the news that’s fit to watch: Right Wing AND Conservative! But they’re in the minor leagues compared to you! Murdoch and Ailes had to hire somebody out to run their country--you just bought up the media and did the job yourself! It just goes to show--we might think we’re pretty fancy-pants with our cruise missiles and smart bombs and Starbuck’s, but there’s still a thing or two we can learn from Old Europe!
(The answer is: c)
P.S. Some people come home with jet lag. Some people catch a bug on the plane. I came home with Yellow Brick Road Disease. The last night in Rome, they played Elton John singing Yellow Brick Road in the restaurant. It’s been four days and I can’t get it out of my head! Do you know how terrible it is to hear Elton John singing Yellow Brick Road twenty four hours a day?! It’s making me so crazy, I’m driving like an Italian! Maybe that’s why Italians are such bad drivers--because you play Yellow Brick Road in restaurants all the time. Why do you let them do that? I thought Italy and America were friends! Is this because we pressured you into helping us in Iraq? I think you should pass a law saying restaurants are not allowed to play Yellow Brick Road. In fact, I’m going to ask Our President to do that. Maybe then He can win again.
P.P.S. Could you please send me a picture of yourself? Autographed? Make it out to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite. He prays for you every night.