Saturday, July 24, 2004
July 24, 2004
Senator Patrick Leahy
433 Russell Senate Office Building
Washington DC 20510
Dear Senator Leahy,
I can’t tell you how thrilled I was to get a real letter from you.
I write to Our President and Our Vice-President all the time and guess what? They hardly ever write me back! Not only that, but every letter Our President writes to me has exactly the same signature on it! Not almost the same, but exactly! The loop in his little “g” overlaps the big “G” on his printed name in exactly the same place every time. I know He’s The Greatest President of All Time, and he never makes mistakes, but nobody’s that perfect! I got to thinking and then it hit me--He isn’t writing to me at all! I think they use one of those stamp machines and just crank out His signature on a form letter!
And Our Vice-President! He never writes me back ever! Well, his secretary did once. She told me my comments had been “carefully noted.” That was when I told him that Team Bush stacked up much better player-for-player than Nixon’s Watergate team. And they do! If you want, I’ll send you my scoring results. It’s a slam dunk!
Have you ever been to Italy? I just got back from there. I think you’d like it. I learned all kinds of things in Italy. One of the things I learned was, “Vaffanculo!” You’ll never guess what that means! It means, “Go f*** yourself” in Italian. Next time Cheney says, “Go f*** yourself,” just say, “Vaffanculo!” He’ll be stumped!
You said in your letter that you won’t show my letter to Our Vice-President. I think you should. He’s been under a lot of strain and I think he’d love a good belly-laugh. He’s such a kidder, that guy. I think we forget what a great sense of humor he has because all those liberal Democrats are always accusing him of being a liar and a cheater and a puppeteer and a war profiteer. Also because he only smiles out of one side of his mouth.
Anyway, I was disappointed that you can’t send me the Sentate group picture they took when Cheney told you to “go f*** yourself.” But that’s ok. Could you please send me a photo of you, anyway? Autographed, if it’s not too much trouble. I know if you do, it’ll be real and not made by one of those bogus stamp machines.