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Thursday, July 22, 2004
July 23, 2004
President George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, D.C. 20500

Dear Mr. President,

I have one word for you:

Italy!

Have you ever been there? I don’t mean on business, like when you went to Genoa for the G-8 Convention--remember that? The Italians are still wondering what was in the water that made the polizia go crazy and break into the gym and beat up all those sleeping demonstrators. I guess even Italy has a few “bad apples.”

Anyway, sometime instead of going to Crawford, Texas for your vacation, you should go to Italy. My wife, Viola, has been trying to get me to go for years and I’ve always managed to have a good excuse, but this year she just wouldn’t let me off the hook. And after our trip, I had to say to her, “Right again!”

Women always know best. Here’s a Zen question for you:

If a man is talking alone in a forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?

I bet your wife (Laura) has been dying to go to Italy for years. She’s probably sick and tired of spending her vacations in Crawford, making pies with Lynn Cheney. Take her to Italy! You can afford it!

Remember when Rumsfeld talked about “Old Europe?” He wasn’t kidding! Italy really is old. Lots of towns are hundreds of years old--they’re built on hills with lookout towers and castles and streets and houses and churches made of stone. No McDonald’s! No Burger King! No Taco Bell! And you’ll never guess what else they’re missing:

American flags! You’ll have to see it to believe it, but I went for days in Italy without seeing a single American flag! And not only that, but--

POP QUIZ: What country do Italians think is the greatest country in the world?

a) The United States
b) Italy

It’s true! They like Italy best! Not only that, but I don’t think they like America much at all. I tried to ask people questions about it, but that was another problem--nobody speaks English over there. Even when I spoke louder and more clearly, they still couldn’t understand me.

But I did manage to have a conversation with a very old woman who was missing some teeth and hadn’t changed her dress since World War II. Here’s what I think she said:

“Bush! (spit!) Berlusconi! (spit!) America! (spit!)” Then I think she put a Sicilian curse on us all for a thousand years. Either that or she was saying she had arthritis in her elbow--I couldn’t tell which.

Anyway, I’m happy to finally be back in America where we’re free to eat Big Macs and drive Hummers and overthrow Evil Dictators whenever we want. Also, bumper stickers. That’s another problem with Italy. They don’t have bumper stickers. In America, we’re free to say whatever we want on our bumper stickers, like the new one the Republican offices are passing out in Kentucky. It says:

“Kerry is bin Laden’s man, Bush is mine.”

Maybe in October, bin Laden will be Bush’s man, and then we’ll win again!

By the way, did you hear who’s on board for Bush/Cheney ‘04? Don King! It’s true! Now you have three African-Americans who will vote for you--Don King, Condi Rice, and Colin Powell. Ok--maybe two.

Anyway, maybe you should put Don King in charge of overseeing the vote counting. If the Demos get Jimmy Carter, we should get Don King. Level the playing field!

Viva Bush! Viva Berlusconi! Viva America!

Prego!
Carl Estrada

 

 
 
 
 
 


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