Anti Donald Trump political humor and political satire by Paul Chasman

Sunday, May 16, 2004
Commander-in-Chief George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, D.C. 20500

Dear Mr. Commander-in-Chief,

Did you notice I called you Mr. Commander-in-Chief? That’s because you are! When we think about how much better off the Iraqis are without the Brutal Dictator who tortured and killed Iraqis, and when we thank our lucky stars for how safe the world is now that Iraq is free, we forget to give credit where credit is due! You are the Commander-in-Chief of all the armed forces! The buck stops here! Take a bow!

I want to give you the heads-up that it’s ok to fire Rumsfeld now. I know you’ve been worrying about his future after public service, but I think he’s got his ducks in a row. I’ve been writing him, and I’m pretty sure he’s planning to go on the Survivor show next year. Remember when he said, “I’m a survivor?” That tipped me off.

Anyway, I think CBS has planned a special called, The Abu Ghraib Survivor Competition. After January, Cheney and Wolfowitz and Powell won’t have anything to do, so they can go on it too! I got to thinking--you’ll probably be free in January--you should enter!

Why not? You’re in really good shape, you exercise every day--you’ll beat Rumsfeld faster than you can say, “Geneva Convention!” You might even break some world records! There was an Iraqi guy who sat naked in an isolation cell with no toilet or running water or ventilation for three days. Do you think you could beat that? You’re a dog lover so I know you can win the Vicious Dog Events. Also, there’s a multiple event called the Broom Handle Triathalon--I think you’ll smoke the competition in that one.

Also, you’re used to being kept in the dark, so you probably won’t mind the hood over your head. (Ha, ha, just kidding.) Remember what you said last June? Here’s what you said:

“I call on all governments to join with the United States and the community of law-abiding nations in prohibiting, investigating, and prosecuting all acts of torture. We are leading this fight by example.”

And we are! We are showing the world that the United States does not torture! We’re a civilized nation! We only use “harsh interrogation techniques.” And we will fight to the full extent of the law to bring those six prison guards to justice!

But you have to admit, sometimes you have to “soften up” the prisoners a little. Just last year, Rumsfeld sent those private contractors, CACI and Titan, to Iraq to help “set favorable conditions for subsequent interviews.” I guess CACI and Titan had been doing such a good job of “setting favorable conditions” in Afghanistan that Rumsfeld wanted to try it in Iraq. And it worked! Under “harsh interrogation techniques,” they even got a prisoner to admit he was Osama bin Laden!

By the way, in the Abu Ghraib Survivor Competition, the competitors vote each week to send one person packing. The last prisoner to survive wins. Do they have electronic voting machines at Abu Graib? Before you enter, make sure they use electronic voting machines. Then you’ll be sure to win!

44 Days til Iraqi Independance!
Carl Estrada

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