Anti Donald Trump political humor and political satire by Paul Chasman

Friday, June 11, 2004
June 12, 2004
Attorney General John Ashcroft
U.S. Department of Justice
950 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW
Washington, DC 20530-0001

Dear Attorney General Ashcroft,

Hang in there! Stonewall! Don’t give that memo to Congress! It’s none of their business!

Those liberal sissies Ted Kennedy, D-Ma and John Warner, R-Va say your memo told Our President He has the right to do anything He wants because He’s Our President. So? What’s their point? Of course he does! This is a New Kind of War! If Our President wants to order “severe techniques” that are "equivalent in intensity to the pain accompanying serious physical injury, such as organ failure, impairment of bodily function, or even death," what American in his right mind would second guess His judgment! The Supreme Court didn’t elect Our President to deny Him the right to authorize “severe beatings with clubs, burning with cigarettes, electric shocks to genitalia and sexual assault,” if that’s what He thinks it takes to fight terror!

Anyway, Our President says He didn’t order anyone to be tortured. He says He “adhered to the law.” Your memo says if He wanted to authorize torture, he would be adhering to the law.

But He didn’t order torture. Because He didn’t want to--not because it was illegal--He just didn’t want to. But He could have if He had wanted to.

But he didn’t. Besides, He doesn’t even remember seeing your memo that said torture was “legally permissable,” He does remember ordering that “anything we did would conform to U.S. law and would conform to international treaty obligations."

According to your memo, torturing prisoners does “conform to U.S. law and international treaty obligations” as long as Our President thinks it’s ok. Which He doesn’t. But He could if He wanted to.

And I think I know why He didn’t--it wouldn’t be the Christian thing to do. I’m a strict interpretationist, and I believe that Jesus wouldn’t beat and shock and burn and rape prisoners and take naked pictures of them, even if the law said He could! Besides--They didn’t even have cameras in those days! Our President is a Christian! So are you--well, I guess you’re a Mormon, but that’s close. My point is, Our President is a Christian and torturing prisoners is not Christian, so Our President never would have ordered it! He could have, but He didn’t.

Is General Sanchez a Christian? The reason I ask is it turns out that he ordered rougher “interrogation tactics” like the use of military dogs, temperature extremes, reversed sleep patterns, sensory deprivation, and “dietary manipulation.” I’m starting to think maybe there are more than a few “bad apples.” Maybe there are a few bad branches too. Also, the leaves are rotting and falling off and I don’t see any blooms on the tree.

But the roots are sound! What about the trunk? Do you think the trunk is in good shape?

Anyway, my advice to you is act in the great tradition of Attorney Generals throughout history--stonewall! Remember John Mitchell? He was the best stonewaller of all time! And he would have kept his job and stayed out of jail if his wife hadn’t been such a drunken blabbermouth! Remember Martha Mitchell? She’d call up reporters, sloshed at 3 in the morning and spilling all the Watergate beans! Maybe she was Deep Throat. Who knows? My point is, your wife isn’t a drunken blabbermouth, is she? None of us even knows her name! So you can stonewall all you want, and nobody can lay a glove on you.

Speaking of gloves, what did Rumsfeld mean when he ordered John Walker Lindh’s interrogators to “take the gloves off?” I don’t know why they would need to take their gloves off to duct-tape him to a stretcher and lock him starving in in an enclosed, unheated and unlit metal shipping container with an untreated bullet wound festering in his leg. Maybe it was because Rumsfeld knew it was legal, and he wanted them to take their gloves off so they could leave their fingerprints everywhere and prove they had nothing to hide!

By the way, what’s the difference between “harsh techniques” and “severe techniques?” Also--what’s “dietary manipulation?”

Support the Patriot Act!
Keep America Free!
Carl Estrada

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