Anti Donald Trump political humor and political satire by Paul Chasman

Friday, June 25, 2004
Mr. Mark McKinnon
Maverick Media Inc.
Bush-Cheney ‘04
P.O. Box 10648
Arlington, VA 22210

Memo to: Mr. Mark McKinnon
Re: Re-election Campaign
CONFIDENTIAL

Dear Mr. McKinnon,

I received your letter thanking me for “taking the time to share (my) thoughts and ideas on the upcoming election.” I have a question:

Who are you?

My name is Carl Estrada. I own a neighborhood grocery. I write letters--lots and lots of letters. I can’t stop! I’ve written to the Pope and Arnold Schwarzenegger and Dr. Phil. I’ve written to Pat Robertson and Dick Cheney and Britney Spears. But mainly I write to Our President. I write to Him because I love Him more than life itself! I think He’s a Great American Hero and they should put Him on a dollar bill!

Anyway, when I write to Our President, I “take the gloves off,” as Donald Rumsfeld would say. I am brutally honest because I think it’s important He get the straight truth that maybe His advisors are afraid to give Him because they might end up as Ambassador to Iceland or the new Supervisor of Interrogations at Abu Ghraib.

But I don’t remember ever writing to you. I think what must have happened is Our President forwarded one of my letters to you, thinking I could help His campaign. You said you “appreciate (my) input and ideas.” I’m glad you asked because I’m an “idea man.” I know not all my ideas are practical, but I think it’s important to “brainstorm.” Lay it all out on the table! Then, let the professionals decide how turn theory into reality.

Here’s the input you requested: 10 Simple Steps we can take immediately to insure Our President gets re-elected. Here they are:

1. Stop the Paper Trail!
Do not allow paper verification of voting results from computerized voting machines! Diebold can be a big help. Their CEO said he’d do everything in his power to get Our President re-elected. Work with him! Talking points should be:

--It’s too late to install the software.
--It’s too expensive.The only people who want it are Tax-and-Spend-Democrats!
--It’s a States’ Rights Issue. Down in Florida, folks might want to do things different than, say, Minnesota. (Say “folks”--it works!)

2. Catch bin Laden on October 25.
Timing is everything! People have such short memories! That was the trouble with catching Saddam so soon. We should have boxed him in til October and then--SURPRISE!

3. Cancel the Debates.
This is important! Have you heard Kerry talk? He can! Also, he doesn’t fight fair. His sentences are so long and confusing, and he’s always saying things like he will “unapologetically pursue our environmental values.” What does that mean?! Our President never apologizes either. Say Our President is busy making the world safe from terrorism or maybe He should fall off His bike again.

4. Continue to “Define” Kerry.
Here’s what we know about him so far:
--He’s the Liberal Senator from Massachusetts.
--He’s the Flip-Flopping Liberal from Massachusetts.
--He’s the Flip-Flopping Liberal from Massachusetts who looks French.
--He’s the Flip-Flopping Liberal from Massachusetts who was seen in a doctored photo with Jane Fonda at a peace rally and looks French.
--He’s the Flip-Flopping Liberal from Massachusetts who says he threw away his war medals but he really only threw away his war ribbons and was seen in a doctored photo with Jane Fonda at a peace rally and looks French.
--He’s the Flip-Flopping Liberal from Massachusetts who says he threw away his war medals but he really only threw away his war ribbons and was seen in a doctored photo with Jane Fonda at a peace rally and looks French and speaks French has some French blood AND...
--He’s a Pessimist! He’s dark. His glass is half-empty. Eeyore.
Keep fine tuning your message and come November, everybody will know the real John Kerry!

5. Report the “Kerry is a Cross-Dresser” Rumors.
--I tell you Kerry is a cross-dresser. Story.
--You tell Rush you heard a story that Kerry is a cross-dresser. Rumor.
--Rush tells his audience he heard a rumor that Kerry is a cross-dresser. News.
--Dan Rather tells his audience he heard Rush report a rumor that Kerry is a cross-dresser. Hard News.
--Dan Rather’s listeners tell their friends they heard that Kerry is a cross-dresser. FACT!

6. “Vet” Fahrenheit 911 Down to a Minute-and-a-Half, Citing National Security.
Referring to Section 452.311C of the Patriot Act, arrest Michael Moore and hide him away at Guantanamo Bay til after the elections. Then, when Our President wins, send him to Abu Ghraib.

7. Declare a Moratorium on All Hearings.
They’ve become politicized! Put on the brakes! There will be plenty of time for the 9-11 hearings and the secret energy meeting hearings and the Abu Ghraib hearings and the outing of the CIA spy hearings after the elections. Then, when Our President is re-elected, you can say the committees are “playing partisan politics” and turn all investigations over to Cheney.

8. Declare Victory in Iraq! on October 30.
“We won!” Just keep saying it! “We won! We won!” Also, remember when Nixon said “Peace With Honor...”? Say that, too.

9. Give Money to Nader.
Don’t be cheap! He’s scratching your back. Scratch his, too!

10. Tell Kerry to F*** Himself.
Cheney said he felt much better after he told Patrick Leahy D-VT, to go f*** himself. I think Our President is wound up pretty tight these days. He needs to let off some steam. Remember when He called that news guy a “first-class a**hole?” He was walking on air for days after that. Also, I think a well-placed “go ‘f’ yourself” would show Kerry he’s not the only one who has a way with words!

Those are my 10 Simple Steps to Reclaim the White House. Don’t thank me--this is my contribution as a Patriot and an American! Be sure to keep in contact if you have any questions. I’ll check back soon--there are a lot more ideas where these came from.

Sincerely,
Carl Estrada