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Saturday, June 12, 2004
Rush Limbaugh
P.O. Box 2182
Palm Beach, FL 33480

Dear Rush,

Say it ain’t so! Divorce Number Three?! Family Values takes another one on the chin! Darn! I really thought this time it would work out!

Is your incumbent divorcee, Marta, a Kerry fan? The reason I ask is, there have been strains in my marriage too, ever since the Flip-Flopping Frenchman came along. There’s a fever sweeping the country, and it’s hitting wives of middle-aged white men like you and me! My wife, Viola and I have been married for 32 years, and she’s always done what I told her. But now, we’re getting in big fights because she keeps throwing things at Our President when He’s on TV and saying things like: “That little man is the biggest idiot in the history of idiots!” Or: “Do you see those pictures of Abu Ghraib? That’s what your president is doing to the environment,too!”

Do you know what she calls Our President now? She calls Him, “The Evil Dictator.”

You can imagine, I’ve tried to put my foot down, but all it’s gotten me is lots of long nights on the couch. She’s even got me going to Bushaholics Anonymous meetings! Get this--those people wear American flag pins and Kerry pins on the same lapel! I argue and argue, but I’m outnumbered. I try reasoning with them like you do--I talk about the “feminazis” and the Native American “savages” and I tried your line: “There’s only one way to get rid of nuclear weapons--use them!” You wouldn’t believe how mad those people get!

I keep thinking, “If Viola would only listen to Rush, then she’d understand.” But it sounds like your wife doesn’t listen to you either. Do you think they’ve been talking to each other?

Anyway, Rush, if you’re ever in my neighborhood, I want to invite you out for a drink. Don’t get me wrong--I’m not into pills, and I’m not into the kinky Skull and Bones frat house games that you like. I just thought we could get together in some neighborhood bar and throw down a few cold ones and talk about how The Liberals Are Tearing Apart The Moral Fabric Of Our Society. We can even drink a few toasts to the couples who have made it:

Here’s to Bill and Hillary Clinton! Do you know how long they’ve been married? Twenty-eight years! They’re both first-timers, too! Their anniversary is October 11. Drink a toast!

Also, I have a couple of friends named Dorothy and Nancy. They’ve been married for thirty-seven years! Dorothy and Nancy didn’t have Clarence Thomas marry them like you and Marta did. They got married at some Unitarian Church, and to this day they file separate tax returns. But they love each other to death, and they’ve raised two wonderful children! Their anniversary is this month. Drink a toast!

Let’s hear it for your fellow journalist Bill Moyers! He’s been married to Judith Davidson-Moyers since 1954! Happy Fiftieth, Bill and Judith! Now there’s a couple that believes in the Sanctity of Marriage! Drink a toast!

By the way, when Clarence Thomas married you and Marta, did you check your Coke to see if there were any hairs in it? That Clarence Thomas is quite a kidder. Ask Anita Hill.

Also, I was glad to hear you and Marta are having an “amicable divorce.” Isn’t “amicable divorce” an oxymoron? An oxymoron is when you put words together that contradict each other like: “Jumbo Shrimp” or “Marijuana Initiative.” Here are some more examples of oxymorons:

“Smart Bomb”
“Compassionate Conservative”
“Real Phony”

Support Our Troops! Double Their Velveeta Rations!
Carl Estrada

 

 
 
 
 
 


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