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Wednesday, June 23, 2004
Ralph Nader
P.O. Box 19312
WA DC 20036

Dear Ralph,

You’re way down in the polls! Have you heard you’re right around 5 per cent nationwide? At this rate, you’re never going to win!

You need all the help you can get, so I did a little poll of my own. It’s just what I figured. Your problem is Peter Camejo. Who, you say? See--even you don’t know who he is! He’s the guy you picked to be your vice-president. Here’s a random sampling of responses when I asked people what they thought of Camejo for VP:

“Camejo--isn’t that a car made by Chevy?”

“Camejo...hmm...I think it’s something you put on a sandwich.”

“Peter Camejo? Oh yeah--didn’t he play Java the Hut in Star Wars? I heard he had to sit in the make-up room for four hours every day. Or, maybe he’s the mayor of Albequerque.”

“Peter Camejo! He’s the guy who ran for governor of California and siphoned votes off Gray Davis so Arnold Schwarzenegger could win.”


You see? Only one out of four people even knows who Peter Camejo is!

Political Tip #1:

NAME RECOGNITION IS IMPORTANT.

I can’t believe I have to explain this to you--it’s so basic! Ralph, I’m sorry to break this news to you but: YOU ARE POLITICALLY IMPAIRED. Let’s face it--Bill Clinton doesn’t stay up all night reading strategies from The Ralph Nader Play Book and say, “How does he do that?”

I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU COULD BE DOWN 95% IN THE POLLS, PICK PETER CAMEJO AS YOUR RUNNING MATE, AND THEN ADVISE KERRY TO PICK JOHN EDWARDS! ARE YOU CRAZY?

WHY DIDN’T YOU PICK JOHN EDWARDS? HE’S SMART, HE’S FUNNY, AND EVERYBODY LIKES HIM!

Also, he drives a car. You need somebody who drives a car. If you get elected, you just can’t ride your bicycle to work anymore. I know it saves gas, but it doesn’t look presidential. Remember how they beat up Jimmy Carter for carrying his own clothes and turning down the heat?

We want our president to look richer and more priveleged and more wasteful than we are. That way, we can say to our kids, “You see? Someday you can grow up to be rich and priveleged and wasteful, too!”

But not smarter. We don’t want our president to be smarter than us. Except for Bill Clinton. He could get away with being smart because he did so many stupid things, and I hope I don’t have to explain that to you, too.

Also, John Edwards has great hair.

Political tip #2:

A PRESIDENT MUST HAVE GOOD HAIR.

Ralph, no offense, but your hair sucks. If you were in a debate with Al Sharpton and Dennis Kucinich, people would say, “Boy, Nader’s hair really sucks.” Also, Edwards has a great smile. What does that guy brush his teeth with?

Anyway, there’s still time! Edwards is in play! Grab him quick! Then everybody will say Kerry was asleep at the switch and Our President will be assured another four years!

Then we can all rest easy.

Sincerely,
Carl Estrada

 

 
 
 
 
 


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