Anti Donald Trump political humor and political satire by Paul Chasman

Thursday, June 24, 2004
Vice President Dick Cheney
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, DC 20500

Dear Vice President Cheney,

I guess the mediation I suggested you do with Colin Powell didn’t work so well. Didn’t they teach you about conflict resolution?

Oh well--maybe it’s like Bill Clinton has been saying on all the talk shows--sometimes when we’re under a lot of stress, we slip back into our old, bad habits. Is that why you told Senator Leahy to go f*** himself?

I can see why you were under a lot of stress. You and the entire Senate were posing for an official photo, and the side of your mouth was probably getting tired from holding up a smile. I hate it when I’m posing for a picture and the camera person keeps messing with the camera and saying, “OK, here we go...smile...wait a minute...I still have my lense cover on...ok, I think I’m ready, are you ready? Wait...I don’t think the light’s good...”

Multiply that by a hundred, because you’ve got a hundred senators posing, and they’re not the most modest bunch, and they’re probably all jockeying for position and saying, “Wait, my hair isn’t right!” and “That’s my bad profile,” and “How come Hillary gets to be in the front row?”

So you were standing there with a hundred senators, smile frozen on the side of your mouth, your bunions were probably killing you, and you were probably wishing you were out duck hunting with Scalia right now, or maybe doing something relaxing like sitting in the Oval Office cutting environmental programs with Our President--and there was your old nemesis, Patrick Leahy, D-VT, standing right next to you, and you were doing a slow burn, still smiling at the camera and being careful not to blink, and you then you snarled something under your breath about how he accused you of cleaning up on the war by giving those no-bid contracts to Haliburton, where you used to be CEO and are still drawing a salary.

Leahy kept smiling at the camera and whipered back something about how your friends had publicly accused him of being a “bad Catholic.”

Up until then, you and Leahy had been “fighting fair.” Maybe you said, “When you accused me of war profiteering, I felt ashamed.”

And then maybe he said, “I hear you. War profiteering is a shameful allegation. When you trotted your friends out to say I was a ‘bad Catholic,’ I felt slandered.”

I guess that’s when you snapped under the pressure and you returned to your old Texas ways (or is it Wyoming--I always get confused). Maybe it wasn’t just keeping your smile frozen in front of the camera. Maybe it was because the only two people who believe there was a link between Saddam and al Qaeda are you and Sean Hannity, and even he’s not sure anymore.

Maybe you were distracted because Our President was trying to find out who leaked that CIA spy’s identity that day, and He was doing a solo interview for the grand jury. It wasn’t exactly testimony--it was just an “interview.” Also, it wasn’t exactly solo--He had His lawyer with him. But still, you weren’t with Him, and maybe you were wondering if He remembered what to say.

Maybe you were worrying about the Supreme Court’s decision on whether you’d have to turn over those secret energy meeting plans. You can breathe easy. They punted it back down to a lower court. Run out the clock! If you can hold out for 99 more days, it’ll be a moot point! Team Bush & Cheney will be back in business, you’ll give the Supreme Court a facelift, and you can put those energy meeting records in the shredder where they belong!

Maybe it was because the Senate had just passed a the Defense of Decency Act a few minutes ago, and you wanted to see if it worked.

Anyway, something snapped, and you forgot everything the mediator taught you. That’s when you said, “Go f*** yourself,” and the cameraman said, “CHEESE!”

Will you please send me a copy of the picture? Autographed, please.

Sincerely,
Carl Estrada

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