Thursday, July 01, 2004
President George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C. 20500
Dear Mr. President,
When The Great Communicator died, he must have possessed your body! Here’s what you (he?) said yesterday:
“The reason I keep insisting that there was a relationship between Iraq and Saddam and al Qaeda: because there was a relationship between Iraq and al Qaeda."
There you go again! I’ve noticed you’ve been cocking your head more and smiling that lopsided, boyish grin. Also, what’s with the black hair dye? If you forget Cheney’s name at the next press conference, or if you say ketchup is a vegetable, or if you say trees cause more pollution than cars, then I’ll know for sure--The Gipper Lives!
I think we need a little “Gipper Mojo” to get us out of the mess we’re in right now. The first thing we need to do is come up with a new reason why we invaded Iraq. The old ones aren’t working anymore. We’ll need to get creative. Let’s see:
Saddam has stockpiled Weapons of Mass Destruction. Scratch.
Saddam has links to Al Qaeda. Scratch.
We will bring freedom and democracy to the Middle East. Scratch.
Imminent threat. Scratch.
Free Iraq from the torturer and murderer...Whoops--Let’s not even go there!
We’d better channel some Gipper spirit and see what he’d say. Ok--close your eyes, place your hands on your temples, breathe deeply... I hear something... smile... cock your head... it’s coming through:
“Well...the nine most terrifying words in the English language are: 'I'm from the government and I'm here to help.’ But facts are stupid things...and the fact is, I forgot... And I'm pleased to announce that I've signed legislation outlawing the Soviet Union. We begin bombing in five minutes."
Oh well, maybe Cheney’s got the right idea. Remember him--he’s your vice-president. (Unless Reagan is inhabiting your body--then your dad is your vice-president.)
Anyway, Cheney said yesterday that "the press has been irresponsible" and "malicious". He said, “The press is... oftentimes lazy, oftentimes simply reports what somebody else in the press said without doing their homework."
Bull’s eye! Blame the press! Cheney’s right--they’re all a bunch of parrots! Remember when you told them Saddam had WMD(s) and they all nodded their heads and scribbled it down? Remember when you said we have to stop the Evil Dictator, and the only question anybody asked was, “How do you spell dictator?” Remember when the reports of prisoner abuse came out last year but they buried it on page 23? Why? They didn’t have pictures!
The Liberal Media set you up! If they hadn’t gone along like a bunch of sheep with everything you said, we wouldn’t be in the mess we’re in now!
Blame the media! Shoot the messenger! It always works! Ride it out til November and by then, everybody will have forgotten Ollie North and Admiral Poindexter, and the whole Iran-Contra Scandal will be behind you!
Thirteen days til Iraqi Liberation!
Support Our Troops! Reopen the VA Hospitals!