Wednesday, June 09, 2004
President George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington D.C. 20500
Dear Mr. President,
The nation mourns because we have lost a Great American! He was a man who stood for all that makes America the greatest country in the world! He changed the way Americans think about the world and the way we think about ourselves! He pulled himself up from humble beginnings and became a giant on the national stage! He was so great, they should put him on a dollar bill!
Didn’t you just love Ray Charles? I still get chills when I hear Georgia on My Mind. Don’t you think Willie Nelson made a big mistake to record Georgia after Ray Charles did it? I know you and Willie are both from Texas, but still--you have to admit--Ray Charles owned that song! Maybe you should pass a law saying for the next year, Willie Nelson shouldn’t be allowed to sing Georgia on My Mind. It’s a matter of respect! If it were up to me, I’d never let Willie Nelson sing it again, but I guess that’s why I’m just a grocer and you make the big decisions!
Remember when Ray sang America the Beautiful? More chills! Maybe instead of catching Bin Laden in October, you should just pipe a recording of Ray Charles singing America into the cave where you’ve got him cornered. He can’t help but love us after that, and then you can get him working for our side! Sometimes the carrot works better than the stick!
Also, it was sad to see Ronald Reagan go too, although I think he was a bit overrated. You’ve gotten a lot more done in less than four years than he did in eight! They’re talking about putting him on a dollar bill, too. They’re thinking of replacing Alexander Hamilton with Reagan on the twenty.
POP QUIZ: Who was Alexander Hamilton?
1) The first U.S. Secretary of Treasury
2) A world champion Olympic skater
3) A wig manufacturer
ANSWER: Who knows? Who cares?
I just don’t think you should let them put Reagan on a dollar bill. We already need to replace somebody with Ray Charles--maybe Ben Franklin on the five? But if Ray Charles replaces Franklin and Ronald Reagan replaces Hamilton, that won’t leave you much room to get on a dollar bill. They’d have to make a new bill for you--maybe it could be a trillion dollar bill and it would only be redeemable from the next generation. Ha ha--just kidding.
Anyway, Reagan has helped us take our minds off things just like he did when he was president! Are you going to go to Ray Charles’ funeral too? I think you should. Pay your respects to Brother Ray! People have forgotten about things like that memo giving you the “green light” to torture people. Stretch it out!
Support Our Troops! Give them food stamps!