Anti Donald Trump political humor and political satire by Paul Chasman

Friday, May 16, 2003
Bill O’Reilly
c/o FOX News Channel
1211 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY 10036

Dear Bill,

I watched your show the other night. Boy, was it good! I love that “No Spin Zone” stuff. How do you guys come up with stuff like that? You must be really smart!

I timed some of your segments (all unofficial, of course). I thought you’d be interested in the results: First, you talked for 4 minutes, 15 seconds. Then you introduced your first guest who agreed with you. You talked for 2 minutes, then he talked for 2 minutes. Then you had a guest who didn’t agree with you--you talked for 3:10, and he talked for 2:10. You interrupted him 12 times.

The next guest also didn’t agree with you--you talked for 2:55 and he talked for 2:05. You interrupted him 9 times. You beat the next guest, 2:20 to 1:45 with 5 interrupts. Then you had a 3-way debate with one guy who agreed and one guy who disagreed (kind of like tag-team wrestling). You talked for 2:15, the guy who agreed talked for 1:25 and the guy who disagreed talked for 1:45 with 6 interrupts. You won the next argument, 2:50 to 1:15 with 5 interrupts. Then you talked for 3 minutes at the end.

Total Score (unofficial):

O’Reilly: 23 minutes
Agree: 3:45
Disagree: 9:40
Interrupts: 37 (7+ per guest)

You won! Those other guys didn’t have a chance.

Also, I missed some of the commercials because I was busy doing the math, but here are some of the ones you had: Hummer, XM Satellite Radio, Alavert, American Express, Lexus, Cisco, Priceline.com Internet Terminals, Pavix, Fox shows, Fox news, Jimmy Buffet Margaritaville CD (call 1-800), Bose, Wrestling (WWE Judgement Day), Direct TV, Hotels.com, Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing (KRAFT), and Progressive Auto Insurance. Like I said, I missed a few, but man! You sure have a lot of sponsors!

Also, you got in good bashes on Clinton, Hillary, Janet Reno, the ACLU, Madonna, Germany, France, and Denmark.

Great show! America is lucky to have someone like you who makes so much common sense and just tells it like it is and doesn’t spin or anything.

Sincerely,
Carl Estrada

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