Tuesday, November 04, 2003
Senator Edward Kennedy
317 Russell Senate Office Building
Washington DC 20510
Dear Senator Kennedy,
CONGRATULATIONS! And I bet you don’t need to ask what for. On November 7, you will be the proud recipient of the 2003 George Bush Award for Excellence in Public Service. I can’t think of a more deserving public servant!
But before you puff up too much, here’s a little history: George Bush Sr. was chewing his leg off because his son just wouldn’t listen to anything he said. Then he heard you talking about Iraq, and you said, "There was no imminent threat...This whole thing was a fraud." The light bulb went on! “I’ll teach that boy a lesson,” exclaimed the wily ex-president, ex-CIA director. “I’ll give the 2003 George Bush Award for Excellence in Public Service to Ted Kennedy!”
That’s right, Senator. He’s using you! When you receive the reward, keep your eyes open and your head down! You’re walking straight into the middle of a family feud. Keep your remarks short. Don’t talk about how we’re “adrift” or how Bush used "distortion and misrepresentation" to justify the Iraq war. Just say thank you, I’m honored, maybe compliment the First Lady’s dress, make a dumb Borscht Circuit joke, and get out of there. Here are a couple of jokes you can use:
Q: What do you call 100 Republicans at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.
Q: What has 40 ears and 20 teeth?
A: The front row of a Billy Graham Revival Meeting.
If they put you between George Sr. and Junior at dinner, you’d better wear a cheap suit because you might get caught in a crossfire of mashed potatoes!