Saturday, January 31, 2004
President George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington DC 20500
Dear Mr. President,
You’re walking into a trap! The Demos are trying to trick you into setting up a commission to prove you exaggerated the truth about WMD(s). Don’t let them do it! Just say you’re trying to get to the bottom of it and you’ll let everybody know when you figure it out. Stick to your story! The CIA tricked you! Hold out til after elections and the whole thing will blow over.
How’s the “playbook” coming on that Guy Who Looks Like Lincoln? I bet you guys are licking your chops! You can say, “He voted for the war!” You can say, “He’ll ruin the economy!” You can say, “He’s a slave to special interests!”
Don’t worry about his Viet Nam record. I’m just glad we don’t have to worry about that General anymore. The Guy Who Looks Like Lincoln was only a Lieutenant. Besides, nobody remembers Viet Nam anyway. If anybody asks you a “gottcha” question about Viet Nam, just say you would have gone if somebody asked you to. It’s not your fault nobody knew where you were. But you would’ve gone. That’s the important thing.
Don’t worry that the Lincoln Guy is 6 inches taller than you. The bigger they are, the harder they fall! Also, I think he’s such a wishy-washy Northeastern Liberal, you won’t even have to exaggerate the truth this time. Take the high road! Just remind everybody you’re the “Mars President!” You’re the Strong Leader who is making sports safe from steroids! And don’t forget gay marriages--talk about gay marriages every day. We have to stop the Lincoln Guy or the next thing you know, gays will have the same rights as everybody else! I guess if you stop gay marriages, that means Cheney’s daughter can’t get married. But he probably wouldn’t let her anyway.
We’re makin’ progress! Stay the course! 275 days til elections!