Saturday, October 18, 2003
CBS Evening News
524 West 57th St.
New York, NY 10019
I have a scoop for you! I’ve put a bug in President Bush’s ear to make you his press secretary! It would only be until after he gets re-elected, at which time Rush Limbaugh will probably get the job. But Bush needs a new press secretary fast and you probably know Rush isn’t available right now.
You’ll probably have to take a big pay cut, but it’s only for a little while and it’s your duty as an American. Remember after 9-11 when you said you’d do anything to help him? I know you’ve been really helpful up to this point--a lot more than that Canadian guy on ABC. Have you noticed how when he reports on something President Bush says, he lifts an eyebrow and he smiles a secret, sarcastic smile as if he’s thinking, “You’d need an IQ of a doughnut to believe that.” But you don’t do that! You’re patriotic and you report everything our president says with a straight face!
I can’t wait til you’re President Bush’s press secretary! Remember H.R. Haldeman? He had a haircut like yours, but then he grew it out to soften his image. I think you should consider that too. I never said anything to you before when you were anchorman, but now that you’re taking on a bigger responsibility, you want to make sure people take you seriously. Also, remember when you used to sign off by saying, “Courage...”? I liked that better than “That’s part of our world.” When you say, “That’s part of our world,” it makes me wonder what the rest of the world is like. I think you should go back to “Courage.” You could end your press conferences that way, too.
Onward to new horizons! Courage!