Saturday, October 18, 2003
President George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, DC 20500
Dear Mr. President,
You’ve got to get rid of this guy! Ever since Scott McLellan came on board as press secretary, your popularity has been plummeting. And this week, you had to go over his head and appear on all those fluffy local news shows just to spike your numbers back up. This has got to stop!
Last week, I recommended that you hire Rush Limbaugh as your press secretary, but maybe you heard he’s not going to be available for a while. I think you’d better wait until after the elections to hire him. By then, he’ll be out of rehab and people will have forgotten about his drug problem and it won’t matter anyway, because you’ll be re-elected.
Whatever you do, don’t hire Charlton Heston! Did you see how he flubbed the Michael Moore interview? Also, I think Bill Bennett would be a gamble (ha ha). Trent Lott is out. Bill O’Reilly would be good, but you don’t want another team member who’s accused of exaggerating the truth.
This leaves Dan Rather. He’ll be a great pinch-hitter while Rush is in rehab. He might not want to take a pay cut, but after 9/11 he said he’d do anything to help you, and he has! He’s been the most loyal of all the network anchormen. He’s always patriotic and he never criticizes you (unlike that Canadian guy on ABC). He’s got that great marine buzz cut now, and he always keeps his American flag lapel pin straight (hint, hint). He could finish his news conferences by saying, “Courage.” Remember when he used to say that?
Then, after the elections, you can go back to Plan A and hire Rush as your press secretary. Everybody will see how forgiving you are when you show your own special brand of “Compassionate Conservatism.”
If Dan Rather won’t do it, what about Ann Coulter? I know she rubs some people the wrong way, but you can’t please everybody, and it would only be for a little while.