Friday, October 10, 2003
P.O. Box 2182
Palm Beach, FL 33480
Dude! Now I get it! I said some pretty stupid things when I was doing illegal substances too. Like--one time I totally tripped out on Pat Boone singing heavy metal--I thought the dude was God for 18 hours! You oughta check him out some time, but--WARNING!: Don’t listen to him when you’re straight! Dude’ll turn you into a Democrat!
That night when you said that black quarterback was overrated by the liberal media? Right before you said it, I turned to my girlfriend and I was like, “Look at the dude’s eyes--they’re all bloodshot and dilated! Look at the dude’s lower lip--it’s falling off his chin!” And then you said it and I was like, “Whoa! Earth to Rush! Dude is a navigating his spaceship through some serious turbulence!”
There have been lots of times when I’ve thought, “Dude’s on something.” I guess this explains why you’re always getting your facts mixed up and saying stuff like car exhaust might slow global warming. Or when you said the larger the bra size, the lower the IQ. Dude--is that why you lost weight? Remember when you said the Clintons had a “White House dog” and you showed a picture of Chelsea?
You probably don’t remember any of that because you were tripping at the time. You can get off drugs the way I did--lock yourself in your room with a month’s supply of food and water and a stack of Jerry Lewis movies. But you’ll probably check into Betty Ford. Say hi to Darryl Strawberry for me.