Thursday, January 01, 2004
30 Rockefeller Plaza
New York, N.Y. 10112
You won’t believe what was going on behind your back while you were out partying on New Year’s Day! Last night while Campbell Brown was anchoring your news show, they did a story called “Global Storming.” You know what they said? They said that all the hurricanes and floods and fires we had last year might be linked to global warming! They said that if there’s global warming, some places might actually get colder! And get this: They said humans might have something to do with it!
Is Campbell Brown going to get fired? I can’t believe she’d allow something like that to go on the news. I always liked her--she’s good at reporting everything President Bush says with a straight face. Not like that Canadian guy on ABC--whenever he quotes Bush, he always rolls his eyes and looks like he’s having a good chuckle.
But it just goes to show--when the cats are away, the mice play. I heard you’re going to retire. You’d better rethink that. If you go away, you’ll be leaving NBC to the Campbell Browns of the world, and the next thing you know, every night they’ll be wringing their hands about the polar ice caps melting and oceans rising and extinct species and floods and droughts and pollution and overpopulation and how it’s all our fault! This isn’t news, it’s National Geographic and it’s going to ruin my dinner! Give us real news, responsible news! Give us more Michael Jackson, In Depth!