President George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Wahsington, DC 20500
Dear Mr. President,
Did you hear the latest poll? 50% of Americans say they would rather have a barbeque with you than with Kerry. Only 39% want to have a barbeque with the Flip-Flopping Frenchman. The election is sealed! It’s a slam-dunk!
This is the break you’ve been looking for! Build on it! Stop making speeches every week about “The Storm in Which We Fly.” No offense sir, but it’s not flying. Here’s what you should do--schedule a series of events in swing states called:
BARBECUE WITH THE PRESIDENT!
Barbecue in Florida! Barbecue in New Mexico! Barbecue in Oregon! People want their president to be a good barbecuer! Stop speaking and barbecue! You just have to work your strengths.
Also, be sure to bring Saddam’s pistol along--the one you’re keeping as a souvenir. Everybody wants to see it. Remember how he used to shoot it up in the air or at one of his aides? You could do that! Then watch the votes roll in. Slam-dunk!
Speaking of shooting your aides and slam dunks, I was sorry to hear that George Tenet resigned as CIA chief for “personal reasons.” You said you’ll “miss him,” and I bet you will! He told you that finding WMD(s) in Iraq would be a “slam-dunk,” but there are more important things in this world than WMD(s). The most important thing is : You got Saddam’s pistol! No wonder you said Tenet did a “superb job.”
By the way, you said Rumsfeld did a “superb job” too. Does that mean he’s next?
Bon Voyage! That means, “Have a good trip,” in French. It’s such a relief to be able to speak in French to you again. We’ve been walking on eggs! I was even worried about calling Saddam’s pistol a “souvenir.” That’s a French word, too.
I bet your “Storm in Which We Fly” speech will be a big hit in Normandy! French people love that sort of thing! They love Jerry Lewis! Also Michael Moore. They love him over there too.
But I still think you should treat Chirac and Schroeder and Putin to a special BARBECUE WITH THE PRESIDENT. Show them Saddam’s pistol. Shoot it in the air! They’ll love you for it! It’ll be a slam-dunk!
Do you think the Secret Service will let you bring Saddam’s pistol on Air Force One?