Pope John Paul II
Vatican City State, Europe
Your Highest Holiest Pontifness,
Did you have a good “bonding” session with Our President? I thought I sensed a real chemistry between you. Did He show you Saddam’s pistol? He might have been shy about it, but I hope He did. I think you’d really like it--especially if He shot it up in the air for you.
Also, I hope He invited you to a barbecue. Did you know that 50% of Americans said they would rather have a barbecue with Our President than with John Kerry? I bet you would too. I think it’s important that presidents know how to barbecue, don’t you? What kind of meat would you like Him to barbecue for you? I bet lamb.
Did Our President show up on time? I hear traffic was really bad. The protestors said there were 150,000, but the police said there were only 25,000. Did you count? Who was right? Give us a number! Everybody will listen to you.
Maybe that’s why you were so hard on Our President--you were in a bad mood because He was late. You told Him He was “very familiar with the unequivocal position of the Holy See.” So, what’s your point? What was Our President supposed to do? Just stand by and watch while Saddam Hussein bombed the World Trade Center on 9/11? Did you want Him to close his eyes while the Evil Dictator was hiding WMD(s) that would turn us into a mushroom cloud? It’s so easy with 20/20 hindsight, to say it wasn’t such a “slam-dunk” after all! But it was George Tenet’s fault for giving Our President bogus intelligence and besides--if Our President hadn’t been a Strong Leader, Iraq wouldn’t be the free country it is today and not only that, but Our President wouldn’t have Saddam’s pistol!
Did He show it to you? I hope he did--I really think you’d like it.
You also said something about “deplorable events.” Everybody’s wondering what deplorable events you’re talking about. Our President said He would work for “human liberty and human dignity,” so I don’t know why you have to keep harping on Him. I know making a bunch of naked prisoners pile on each other and taking pictures of them isn’t very dignified, but why is everybody blaming Our President for everything? He wasn’t even there! It was the work of a few bad apples! You should know about bad apples. You’ve had a few yourself lately. Let he who has not sinned cast the first bad apple!
I heard that after you met with Our President, you told a bunch of American bishops that you were against gay marriage and abortion. If you had talked about that with Our President instead of Iraq, you probably would have had a lot more fun. Why do you always have to argue with people? If you want to get along, you have to look for common ground!
Here’s an idea: Maybe you should say that everybody should be in a gay marriage. Then there wouldn’t be a need for abortions. Compromise!
Anyway, I’m glad Our President gave you the Medal of Freedom Award. Did he pin it on your robe or just hand it to you so you could stick it in a box with your 4H ribbons and your Cuban cigars? I think He should have given you Saddam Hussein’s pistol. Then I bet you wouldn’t criticize his foreign policy!