Wednesday, May 07, 2003
Pope John Paul II
Vatican City State, Europe
Dear Highest of the High, Holiest of the Holy, Your Emminent Emminence, Priestly Pious Pope Beyond All Repute:
I’ve been thinking about getting a new car lately. My ex-wife just got married so I don’t have alimony payments to make anymore, and my credit’s pretty good. I’ve been wondering, how much did your Pope Mobile cost? I’m sure they gave you a really good deal, you being the Pope and everything, and I bet it’s got all the extras, but I wonder what the basic, stripped down model would run me? I just love that Pope Mobile! It looks so cool. I just can see myself cruising around Corvallis in one of those. Also, what kind of mileage are you getting?
I haven’t heard anything lately about the Catholic Priest s-x scandals. How’s that going? Personally, I think the whole thing is being exaggerated by the people who want to sue the church just because they know you have pots and pots of money. That’s how it always goes: A business becomes successful by good old-fashioned hard work, and then the lawyers swarm in and try to get a piece of action. Look at Enron!
Anyway, there is one problem I don’t think you’ve thought through: If those priests did have s-x with children in their flock, did they use condoms? (I can’t believe I just said condoms to the Pope!) Anyway, I know you’ve always been opposed to you-know-whats under any circumstances, because it’s an abomination to have s-x without trying to make a baby. So if those priests used you-know-whats, isn’t that a sin? I guess they wouldn’t use you-know-whats on the boys they allegedly had s-x with, because a lot of that happened before people knew about AIDS, but if they did know about AIDS, do you think they could go to h-ll for using you-know-whats when they allegedly had s-x with those boys?
Congratulations on being the most recognized person on the planet! I always thought it was Muhammed Ali, but your web site says it’s you. Maybe it’s because he looks different now.
Your Humble, Most Reverent Servant,