Wednesday, December 17, 2003
President George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, DC 20500
Dear Mr. President,
Congratulations on your Big Catch! The Ace of Spades--WOW! We can all heave a big sigh of relief--it’s safe to go outside again!
I have one nagging question: Are you sure it’s him? I know you checked his teeth and everything, but a friend of mine saw the pictures and swears it’s not Saddam but Larry Taylor. Remember the band Canned Heat? Larry Taylor was their bass player, and I’ve got to say--those pictures look more like Larry Taylor than Saddam. The other thing is Larry Taylor’s nickname was “The Mole.” Makes you wonder--the way they caught him in that hole and everything. I think you’d better look into it some more. We don’t want another “Mission Accomplished” episode. Or another WMD(s) in Africa. Or another “Bring ‘em on.” I just think it would look bad if you told everybody you caught Saddam Hussein and it turned out to be Larry Taylor.
I loved it when you said, “Good riddance, Mr. Saddam Hussein.” Then you said, “I find it very interesting that when the heat got on, you dug yourself in a hole and crawled in it.” There you go! It almost felt like you were actually talking to him face to face! And it just shows the difference between George W. Bush, Great American President and Saddam Hussein, Evil Cowardly Dictator. Remember 9/11? Remember when you were reading to those kids and you found out the Twin Towers had been attacked? Did you worry about protecting yourself? No way! You just kept sitting there listening to those kids read to you. And then when you finally realized that you’d better beat it out of there, did you dig yourself a hole in the dirt and grow your beard all scraggly and go a month without bathing til you got lice in your hair? Not my president! You hid in style! First you flew around for a while on Air Force One, which we know is the coolest airplane in the whole world. Then you did hide in a bunker somewhere in Nebraska--but I bet it was a lot classier than Saddam’s hole. His didn’t even have indoor plumbing. I bet your hole was outfitted like a Saudi palace!
Anyway, I just want to tell you how happy I am that you caught the Evil Dictator and made the world safe from terrorism. Now we can all go home! I’m not even worried about Bin Laden anymore, because this whole thing was Saddam’s fault to begin with. But I am a little worried about this “fair trial” business. I agree with you that he should have one, but I’m glad you’ve told everybody how evil he is because I wouldn’t want him to get too fair of a trial. Also, maybe you should see that he doesn’t get a very good lawyer. You could hire Marcia Clark to represent him. Or who was that guy who gave OJ the glove to put on and OJ tried and tried and couldn’t squeeze into it? Hire that guy. Whatever you do, don’t let Johnny Cochran or Gerry Spence represent Saddam! Those guys always win!
Sincerely,
Carl Estrada