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Tuesday, February 24, 2004
President George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, D.C. 20500

Dear Mr. President,

I’m going to be “out of the office” for a couple of weeks. I’m going to Carney, Nebraska for the 1st Annual Neighborhood Grocers’ Convention. It should be an exciting event! The keynote address will be, “How to Maximize Your Profits When Wal-Mart Buys Out Your Block.”

Anyway, I thought I should give you some last minute advice before I go. Here are some areas you might focus on in the next couple weeks:

Ban Same-Sex Marriage. The other day you said, “America's a free society which limits the role of government in the lives of our citizens.” Stay on message! We have to make America free to stop gays from marrying each other! And if Kerry starts talking about Iraq and the economy and jobs and the environment or about you going AWOL, just say, “The liberal Democrat from Massachussets is trying to distract everybody from the central issue of this election: Keeping America safe from same-sex marriage!”

Keep Cheney. You have to. He knows too much. The other day I heard you say, “Once again, I put him in charge of my vice-presidential committee. He tells me he’s reviewed all the candidates, and he’s come back with the same recommendation as last time.” I think you have been reading my letters. That’s exactly what I would have told you to say! I think you’re catching on.

Don’t Forget Photo Shop. Make a picture of John Kerry and Jane Fonda in bed together. Then have somebody like Matt Drudge circulate it on the internet. It won’t cost you a dime, and you won’t have to appear afterwards and say, “I’m George W. Bush, and I approve of this ad.” Maybe it should be a picture of John Kerry and Ted Kennedy in bed together. Kill two birds with one stone!

Give Some Money to Nader. He’s scratching your back--scratch his too! Besides, by the time I get back you’ll have close to two hundred million dollars to play with. I think you’re being too tight with your money! Pretend it’s the U.S. Treasury--go out and spend it! Your presidency is at stake!

Healthy Forests! Clean Air! Blue Skies! Four More Years!

Carl Estrada

 

 
 
 
 
 


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