Anti Donald Trump political humor and political satire by Paul Chasman

Friday, May 07, 2004
Donald H. Rumsfeld
Secretary of Defense
1000 Defense Pentagon
Washington, DC 20301-1000

Dear Secretary Rumsfeld,

Don’t quit! The liberals are playing politics in an election year--don’t let them break you! Can you imagine what kind of message it would send to the world if you were to resign before you brought the perpetrators to justice? America needs you to stay the course and FIND THE TRAITORS WHO LEAKED THOSE AWFUL PICTURES TO CBS!

What were those leakers thinking? Didn’t they know there was an investigation going on and it was “working its way up the chain of command?!” If they had just been patient, in another year or so you would have gotten around to reading the summaries of those abuse reports and I bet maybe you would have returned all those calls from the Red Cross and Amnesty International that have been clogging up your message machine for the last year. You would have arrested those photographers faster than you can say “Abu Ghraib!”

Who took those pictures anyway? You’d better catch them fast. Also CBS. Is there any way you can shut them down? Or at least shut down 60 Minutes II. If we lose this war, blame the Liberal Media! They keep wringing their hands and saying we’re in a “quagmire” and this is another Viet Nam and you didn’t have a plan. Of course you had a plan! Your Comprehensive 4-Step Plan was:

Step I: Level Baghdad
Step II: FindWMD(s)
Step III: Free Iraq from tyranny and torture
Step IV: Win the hearts and minds of the Iraqi people

We were so close! We had already completed Step I! Just three steps to go!

By the way, I hear the reason you had those prison guards do all those terrible things was to “soften up” the prisoners for interrogation. I think you had the right idea, but maybe you could have found another way to “soften them up.” If I want something from my wife, I soften her up with flowers. It works every time! Or maybe I’ll light some candles and put on some romantic music--she loves Johnny Mathis! I can take him or leave him, but she likes him. That’s the important thing.

I don’t want to tell you your job, but I just think if you want to “soften up” the Iraqis, maybe you’re going about it the wrong way. They’re a proud people who don’t like their cities being leveled and their limbs being blown off and their children being killed and their men being led around naked on leashes by female prison guards. I don’t know if they’d like Johnny Mathis, but what about Tom Jones? Or maybe there are some Iraqi singers they like. Who knows? Ask them!

We’re making progress!

Sincerely,

Carl Estrada

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