Anti Donald Trump political humor and political satire by Paul Chasman

Saturday, May 08, 2004
First Lady Laura Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, D.C. 20500

Dear Mrs. First Lady,

Happy Mother’s Day!

Have you heard from your twins, Jenna and Barb yet? I hope they at least bought you a card or called home. Kids can be so selfish--they go out partying all night and drink themselves into a stupor and play 60 mph bumper cars at 3 in the morning and wake up in a strange bed in a strange neighborhood and they have a grunge band banging on the walls of their brains and the roof of their mouth is pasted to their tongue--no wonder they forgot to call you!

Look at the bright side. If they were in an accident or in jail, they would have called home faster than you can say, “DUI,” and then you would have had to go down to the station and get their records erased. At least they’re safe!

Maybe they’re mad because you and their father (your husband) aren’t going to their graduation this month. Jenna’s picking up her Bachelor’s from University of Texas and Barb is graduating from Yale, but there will be not be a Bush in sight. The least you could do is send somebody in your place. Usually it’s the Vice President’s job to go to weddings and funerals, but if Cheney went, Our President would have to go too, and He already said He didn’t want to. Colin Powell hasn’t had much to do lately--maybe he could go. Or maybe Our President’s brother, Neill. He’s never busy.

I have to admit, I am a little envious of Our President. If he doesn’t want to go to his daughters’ graduations, all he has to say is, "The Bushes felt the focus should be on the students, and not how long the lines are to go through the metal detectors.” I can’t tell you how many times my wife has told me we have to go to a wedding or a birthday party or we have to go to the coronation of the Queen of Depoe Bay, and all I want to do is stay home and watch Tiger Woods because he’s only two strokes behind with 14 holes to play! But the best excuse I can come up with is “I can’t go. I only have white socks.” Or: “I have to fix my underwater watch. It broke last summer.” I just wish I could say, “Sorry Honey, I can’t go to the Columbus Day Parade because I don’t want to make everybody go through a metal detector.” No wonder your husband wanted to be president. But I guess that’s why Jen and Barb didn’t want Him to be president.

But this is the the day for mothers to count their blessings, and you sure have a lot of blessings to count!

--You have two happy, healthy and rich daughters who have never been Left Behind, except on little things like their graduations. Count your blessings!

--Every time Jen or Barb have been caught drinking or buying booze when they were underage or using phony ID, you’ve been able to clean their record and keep it out of the press. Count your blessings!

--They’re both 21 now, so they can’t get in trouble for underage drinking anymore. Count your blessings!

--They won’t have to go into the military and get shot at in some godforsaken country and maybe turn into prison guards who get their pictures taken torturing naked Iraqi prisoners and become an embarrassment to the whole family. Count your blessings!

--They’re not one of those Iraqi children we always have to see on TV, lying in dirty hospital beds with their limbs blown off and their parents dead. Don’t get me wrong--those orphans are better off now that they’re free, but I think Jen and Barb are even better off than they are. Count your blessings!

--They won’t have to debate John Kerry’s daughter Vanessa. Count your blessings! (I know I suggested this to Our President earlier, but the more I think of it, the more I think it was a bad idea and you should tell Him to call the whole thing off.)

Anyway, as you can see, you have a lot to be grateful for, and I just want to wish you the very best on Mother’s Day! By the way, I think your reading program is working. I’ve noticed Our President is doing a much better job of reading His note cards lately.

No Child Left Behind in Oregon--it’s a “Swing State!”

Sincerely,

Carl Estrada

Back