President George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, D.C. 20500
Dear Mr. President,
You won’t believe what happened! Remember last week when I told you my wife and I have all these communication problems because our hearing is so bad? Well get this--last night I thought she said, “Let’s go to a Mary Krause party.” Mary Krause is a checker I had to lay off at my grocery store after 18 years because I couldn’t afford her insurance and my tax cut wasn’t as big as you thought it was going to be. My wife said it was a fundraiser and I said great, because Mary Krause has been running up all kinds of medical bills and she really needs some help.
So imagine my surprise when I got there and it wasn’t a Mary Krause party--it was a Kerry House Party!
I’ve never seen so many die-hard Democrats since I went to the Peter, Paul, and Mary Reunion Concert! I have to say, it was a pretty interesting bunch of people--writers and artists and scientists and teachers. I watch a lot of FOX News, and I didn’t know there were so many people who actually liked John Kerry! Nobody called him a flip-flopper or made jokes about him being French, and they didn’t even seem to mind that he was a liberal from Massachusetts.
I learned a few things too. Did you know he’s a Strong Leader? He is! Just like you! The men he commanded in Viet Nam loved him and would walk through fire for him. He got three Purple Hearts for all the times he got injured saving people’s lives--just like you would have if you had been there!
And his resume! Maybe it’s not as impressive as being on the board of a big oil company or owning a baseball team, but I didn’t know he was so experienced! He’s been a prosecutor and a lawyer and Lieutenant Governor and a Senator and he’s led some big investigations, and get this--you know how you’re always talking about how important the environment is? Well, maybe Kerry doesn’t have your credentials. But there’s a group called The League of Conservation Voters--have you heard of them? They rate government officials on their environmental record and guess what? Kerry got a 92% lifetime rating! Not bad.
And do you know what League of Conservation Voters said about you? They said, “This administration threatens to do more damage to our environmental protections than any other in U.S. history.” It just shows how ungrateful people are! After you passed the Clean Air Act and the Blue Skies Act and the Healthy Forest Initiative--the more you give, the more they want!
I told another man I felt much safer from terrorism since you passed the Patriot Act, and he said, “Bush has never heard of the First Amendment.” You see? The Kerry people mean well, they’re just uninformed. Of course you’ve heard of the First Amendment! Right?
There was one thing though, that was downright wierd. These people were all very friendly and smart and relaxed--except when your name got mentioned. Then all of a sudden, the entire room would go into a mass convulsion. People started twitching and barking out obscenities that I can’t even say, and some people even rolled on the floor and turned red and made all these inhuman noises. Then it was over as fast as it started. They went on talking and eating and drinking like nothing ever happened. Then somebody would say, “George W. Bush is the biggest disaster we’ve ever had,” and there they were again--twitching and rolling and barking and swearing. I even tried an experiment--there was a lull in the conversation and I yelled out, “BUSH!” It was like a fire drill! The whole room started genuflecting! Those Kerry people are strange.
But here’s the worst part: After my wife and I got home, I heard my wife talking with my grandson Lester in his bedroom. I overheard Lester say, “Grandma, don’t tell Grandpa this because I know he loves Our President more than life itself, but I think Bush is bogus, and I hope Kerry wins.” And my wife said, “Lester, I have voted Republican for 35 years, and don’t tell Grandpa this, but this year I’m going to vote for Kerry.”
I’ve never felt so alone.
So, Mr. President, I’m pleading with you. I’ve been telling you this for more than a year, but it’s more important than ever: PLE-E-E-EASE! STRAIGHTEN OUT YOUR AMERICAN FLAG LAPEL PIN! IT’S STILL CROOKED!.
Also Cheney. When I saw him at that press conference where you said Rumsfeld was doing a “superb job,” Cheney’s flag pin was almost upside down! Tell him to fix it.
Four more years! (I hope.)